Ron Swanson Quotes
Hello Leslie, how long have you been sleeping with Ben?
Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
This is my favorite part about having a new city manager. They always try to shake things up and their ideas are terrible and it brings city hall to a grinding halt. I just grab a few donuts, sit back, and enjoy the show.
I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don't like people celebrating, because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teet until they have sore, chapped nipples. I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.
Ron: Is this everybody?

Donna: Ann took a cab. Tom's in the trunk. Jerry's on the roof.
I won't publicly endorse a product unless I use it exclusively and I really believe in it. My only official recommendations are US Army issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence fine two inch style oscillating knife blade.
I want this night to get krazy. Get me a shot of snake juice. I hear it has a dope aftertaste.
Leslie: Do you remember what you said to me five years ago when Eagleton offered me that job and I asked you for your advice?
Ron: Do whatever the hell you want. What do I care?
Leslie: Right, but then after, when I pressed you, what did you say?
Ron: I believe I said that I thought we worked well together, and that I might disagree with your philosophy but I respected you. And I said that you'll get a lot of job offers in your life but you only have one hometown.
Leslie: Yes, that's how I remember it.
Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.
Everyone shut up and look at me!
Ron: Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?
April: I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
Ron: Get his number?
April: No.
Ron: Good girl.
