I don’t drink alcohol from that portion of the color system.

Andy: You know when you go to the ATM and get money—is there an actual guy that stands there and gives you money?
Ron: No.
Andy: Yeah, those are robots.

Ron: Spending the day outside alone sounds like a dream. I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss: silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by a children’s tv program called Doc McStuffins.

On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.

Duke Silver

He now has that look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or…he pooped. Either way, I’ve never been prouder.

My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.

I’d like to introduce you to my son. John, middle name redacted, Swanson.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places.

Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks.

There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Andy: There's an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April