Sam Oliver Quotes
Sock: This Satan's trying to get you to hook you up with his daughter, you know, I bet she wants your man seed.
Sam: What? No.
Sock: Yeah, sure, think about it. You knock her up, right, the Devil has a little Sam baby running around catching souls for him when he grows up. After, you know, you kick. [Sam glares] Which I hope will not be for a very long time
Sam: I think you really cared about her.
Devil: Want to see how much I cared about her? [snaps fingers] She's dead.
Sam: What?
Devil: That's right. With the snap of my fingers, Mimi just got hit by a bus. Gruesome. Can't tell her from the pavement. And that's on you, buddy.
Sam: You sick son of a...
Devil: Oh, calm down, hero. I'm screwing with you. Mimi's fine
Devil: I made no promises. My conscience is clear.
Sam: You don't have a conscience.
Devil: Oh yeah, that's right, what a break
Devil [at a funeral]: I enjoy spending time at these... ceremonies.
Sam: Right.
Devil: Yes, people start asking questions. "Why would God do this?" "Is there even a God?" I like to be here and try and provide some answers
Sam: Why do you have to do that?
Devil: Well, it's kind of in my nature. You know, "Supreme Spirit of Evil" and all that?
Sam: Yeah, kind of like your nature to be an A-hole.
Devil: Oh, that's beneath you, Sam. You know names hurt
Sock: I get it, I know what you're doing. You're acting like a chick.
Sam: Shut... shut up!
Sock: Oh, no, I will not shut up. You are acting like a chick and she is acting like a dude. That is so sad, Sam. I don't know whether to hug you or kill you out of mercy
Sock: You know, if I was the Dark Lord, I would do the exact same thing. I'd have a mistress in every continent on the planet.
Sam: He probably does.
Sock: He probably does, doesn't he?
Sam: Mm-hmm.
Sock: God he's living the dream. I want to be the Prince of Darkness. No, uh, no, what's below Prince?
Ben: Uh, Duke.
Sock: Duke. I want to be the Duke of Darkness. Maybe could you talk to him for me, set up a little internship, or...?
Sam: No.
Sock: Not even a chance?
Sam: No
Devil: I need you to go handle some plumbing.
Sam: What, so now I'm your handy man? That's not part of the deal.
Devil: Actually it is. I own you, Sam. If I ask you to take out the garbage in Hell, that's what you'll do
Sock [about Andi]: You need to ask her out again, and again, and again. All right? You need to be persistent, like the ocean. Little waves of Sam crashing on the shores of Andi until she gradually wears down.
Sam: Or she gets a restraining order
Sock: All right, we gotta go to my house so I can pick up one of my sports coats.
Sam: Uh, you don't own a sports coat.
Sock: We gotta go to your dad's house so I can pick up one of his sports coats
Sock: So, did he get all foamy at the mouth and twitchy when you zapped him?
Sam: Not really.
Sock: Too bad. You probably did it wrong
Sam: There's no way you're being this nice to me.
Devil: Hey, I'm not Ted. What a dick
