Puzzle me this then, Winston-- how do you live with yourself?
Elizabeth: There are so many cool traditions at this thing! The groom comes in on a white horse!
Schmidt: So, basically, they're just copying my bar mitzvah.
It's only romantic because it's a wedding. I'd be just as happy to sabotage, I don't know, let's say, her tax audit.
Schmidt: A tuxedo is different from a suit.
Nick: It is??!!
Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.
I'm going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch.
I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.
Shivrang's Aunt: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.
Please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.
Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!
Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.
You can't outrun the Jewish!