Schmidt: It's a bar mitzvah!
Nick: I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised.

Nick: I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, but here we find ourselves.

Fellas, you made it! As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub.

Prince is terrible at Frisbee.

A lot of people never graduated high school! Einstein! Bill Gates! Anne Frank! I'm gonna take back that last one.

Nick: Do you know any time-consuming, free activities in Griffith Park?
Schmidt: Gross! Suicide?

Winston: So...where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston. So naive, so sweet. We do the marketing EVERYWHERE!

Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me--I was the total candy striping package.

Coach: Do people call you 'Marketing'?
Schmidt: No...not yet...

She's looking for career advice, and your job could be done by a vending machine.

When I think of teachers, I think of two things--Jessica Day, and pornography...where one of the characters is...a teacher.

Schmidt: Camping?
Winston: Like we're animals?!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Paul Ryan 2020.

Schmidt