Wolowitz: Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow at 4:30, you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?
Sheldon: I would snort with derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.

Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one.

Yes, in 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.

Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say that I've never heard the phrase "yee haw" used in quite that context.
Penny: Oh God.
Sheldon: "Oh God." That I've heard on multiple occasions.

Sheldon: I should have brought an umbrella.
Leonard: What for? It's not gonna rain.
Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.

Sheldon: Are you asking me or telling me?
Leonard: Telling you?

Sheldon: That's not an apology; that's simply an acknowledgment that I was right.
Leonard: Okay, I'm sorry.
Sheldon: There you go.

I assure you, you'll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.

Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder?
Sheldon: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled, "this is funny."

Sheldon: Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series, "Firefly."
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon: Might as well settle it now; it's going to be on for years.

Wheaton: Embrace the Dark Side!
Sheldon: That's not even from your franchise!

Can I get you something? A feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny, get your own Wi-Fi." No spaces.