Leonard: Hold on. So, your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?
Guys: Yes.
Leonard: And are you gonna use candy to lure them in?
Raj: We are now!

Sheldon: I'll give you a plan right now. Step one: open comic book store.
Step two: start rumor this comic book store gives you genital warts.
Step three: buy a big bag to put the money in.
Leonard: It's not that bad.

Howard: All I know is, he's got my mother buying four-ply toilet paper. I mean, four-ply. If his butt is so delicate,why doesn't he just use an angora rabbit?
Sheldon: For starters, they shed and bite.

Sheldon: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an appointment for you to look at them?
Emily: Um... okay, I guess.
Amy: I'm with him three years, nothing. She's with two minutes, and he's taking his pants off.

Raj: Since when do you read Social Science?
Sheldon: I go to the bathroom like everybody else.

Leonard: What? You're afraid of both dinosaurs and chickens.
Sheldon: Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn't hit the Mesozoic spot.

If I wanted curls for dinner I'd order a clown wig.

Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?
Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.

Howard: You reported me to human resources?
Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.
Howard: Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you're happy.

Sheldon: What are you doing now?
Howard: Making a straw.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: So I can shoot you with a spitball.
Sheldon: You're not going to do that, and I'll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you're going to treat me with the prop... You shot your spit in my mouth!
Howard: Is that gonna be on the test? Because I don't think I could do that again.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Howard: If you're gonna be a crappy teacher, then I'm gonna be a crappy student.

I can't believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what's in their diapers.

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny, get your own Wi-Fi." No spaces.

Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for "soup" tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It's not "soup," it's "courage."
Sheldon: No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.
Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.