Howard: All I know is, he's got my mother buying four-ply toilet paper. I mean, four-ply. If his butt is so delicate,why doesn't he just use an angora rabbit?
Sheldon: For starters, they shed and bite.

Sheldon: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an appointment for you to look at them?
Emily: Um... okay, I guess.
Amy: I'm with him three years, nothing. She's with two minutes, and he's taking his pants off.

Raj: Since when do you read Social Science?
Sheldon: I go to the bathroom like everybody else.

Leonard: What? You're afraid of both dinosaurs and chickens.
Sheldon: Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn't hit the Mesozoic spot.

If I wanted curls for dinner I'd order a clown wig.

Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?
Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.

Howard: You reported me to human resources?
Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.
Howard: Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you're happy.

Sheldon: What are you doing now?
Howard: Making a straw.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: So I can shoot you with a spitball.
Sheldon: You're not going to do that, and I'll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you're going to treat me with the prop... You shot your spit in my mouth!
Howard: Is that gonna be on the test? Because I don't think I could do that again.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Howard: If you're gonna be a crappy teacher, then I'm gonna be a crappy student.

I can't believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what's in their diapers.

Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so tha tI can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?
Mrs. Davis: Yes.
Sheldon: You people are sick.

Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
Howard: What a sick use of science.
Raj: Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.
Amy: I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
Howard: Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.

TBBT Quotes

Mrs. Cooper: Shelly! I'm so glad you're here!
Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.

Penny: I give up, he's impossible
Sheldon: I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, "I give up, he's improbable."