Stewie: (while carjacking a man) GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR! GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! (smashes the window)
Driver: (screaming) OH, JESUS!
Stewie: GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
Driver: OH, MY GOD!!!
Stewie: DO IT! GO! DO IT OR I'LL F**KING KILL YOU!!! GET THE F**K OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
(Brian carries the driver out of the car, then drive off as the driver leaves screaming)
Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Brian:( singing) Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name...
Stewie: Who sings that song?
Brian: James Taylor.
Stewie: Yeah, let's keep it that way.

(After Stewie dances, he and Brian are allowed to use a helicopter, which they fly over the mountains)
Stewie:(Over the helicopter's propellers) Brian, be careful cause the mountains are the same color as the sky!
Brian: What?
Stewie: I said be careful cause the mountains are the same color as the- WHOA!!!
Brian: What the hell was that?
Stewie: I'm practicing my comedy crash.
Brian: Well keep it down because I'm trying to-
(The helicopter is about to hit a mountain)
Brian & Stewie: WHOA!!!
(They swerve away from the mountain but the tail of their helicopter hits a cliff, causing them to hit a slope and slide down the mountain, they crash into a rock, sail out of the cockpit and hit the snowbank)
Stewie: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Stewie: Thanks for the lift, Bandit. Good look tapping that hot... hot... Sally Field tail....
Bandit: Shut up, I don't like it anymore then you do!

(About Meg) FYI, the carpet matches the drapes, in color and length.

Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)

(Brian and Lois are downstairs awaiting Meg to come down so Brian and Meg can go to the dance)(Stewie and Meg walk down the stairs)Stewie: Here she is, Brian I present to you your polish turd for the evening.Meg: How do I look Brian?Brian: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.

(Telephone rings)
Brian: Hello? Oh hey Jillian, what's up?
Jillian: Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
Brian: Uh, what time does it start?
Jillian: Ten o'clock, Eastern and Specific Time.
Brian: What? What did you say? Specific Time? Don't you mean Pacific Time?
Jillian: No I think it's called Specific Time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.
(Stewie laughing)
Brian: Stewie, are you on the line?
Stewie: Yes.
Brian: Jillian, I'll talk to you later.

(Stewie sitting at the table the morning after Meg's dance)(Brian walks in hung over)Stewie: Oh yes, the day can begin, good morning Brian. Now we can do this one of two ways, I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we could spread it out over the course of the day.Brian: I don't want to talk about it.Stewie: Well I do, so tell me everything that happened at the dance.(Meg walks in and starts scratching Brian's ears)Meg: Morning cutie..Brian: H-h-hey(Meg walks off and pours herself a glass of orange juice)Meg: I had so much fun last night Brian. Hey I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.Brian: Uh..I..I don't think so.Meg: Oh come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy huh? Who's a good boy?Brian: (wagging tail) Me...Meg: Oh yes, yes, yes who's a good boy?Brian: (continues wagging tail) I am, i'm a good boy...(stops wagging tail) uh...no no no...look..I..I..I..I got stuff to do today. Alright? Sorry..

Brian: Stewie?
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (annoyed) I know.
Brian: No Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie: Don't do this to me man, not you man.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: Screw you, cut it out man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (cries) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. (cries)

Stewie: (Wearing Brian's hair on his chest and in his diaper) Hey Baby!
Jillian: Hi Stewie!
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie: Eh, not much really. Just me and ma pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian: Oh dear God.
Stewie: Boy, I am so beat from doin' adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie: (while stretching, reveals Brian's hair in his armpits as well) I just feel like kickin' it tonight. (A pair of fuzzy dice fall out of Stewie's diaper) OH! Look at that, I'm growin' all the time.
Brian: Hey, uh Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie: Ya ever just let yer balls hang out B-ri? Ya ever do that B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bry?
Brian: Give me my hair back. (rips it off of Stewie)
Stewie: Ow! What the hell, man?!

Stewie: Hey babe, what do ya say, we goin' out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Bein' ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would have said "Oh, Hey Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh wait, you're Olivia". You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta, because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.
(Olivia begins to cry)
So, I'll pick you up at seven?
Olivia: (while sobbing) That sounds wonderful.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in "The Narrator."
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a twinkie...like a twinkie.