Stewie: I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie: Wow, wow, whoa, what was that?
Brian: Ahh I'm sorry, I'm sorry that was my father talking.
Stewie: You uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.

(Stewie and Olivia arriving late to dinner with Brian and Jillian)Stewie: (exhales) Sorry we're late everyone, but JonBent here took forever with her make-up.Olivia: Ah yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheap-o here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheels, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot, (crosses her arms) but to his credit it's a great spot to get mugged.Stewie: (sarcastically) Oh wouldn't that be a shame, if they took all my money in both our wallets.

Stewie: Uh, what's for dinner?Olivia: (reaches behind her to grab the Play-doh Fun Factory machine) Play-Doh spaghetti.Stewie: (pauses) Oh..Olivia: (stops making Play-Doh spaghetti) What?Stewie: No, no, it's..it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night (pauses) (under breathe, looking away) and that's all we had last night.Olivia: (angry) What does that mean?Stewie: Oh I don't know Olivia, uh maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage, we have yet to have sex..Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?Stewie: (angry) That's not the point, don't change the...it's a kind of cake..

(Brian and Stewie sitting at table)Brian: So what happened?Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?Brian: They do, it's called being gay.Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

(referring to his toys) Alright men your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the Tooth Fairy. SpongeBob you watch the east, StarScream you take the west, and Man-E-Faces you take center patrol since you have, many faces.

Stewie: (about the tooth fairy) I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself! But to catch a fairy I have to think like a fairy.
(Brian looks at the camera, and the frame pauses)
Announcer: If you want Brian to say "Well, that'll be a stretch" text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say "I'm not touchin' that one" text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say "Ariba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (pauses, music plays for short while) Thanks for voting!
Brian: Ariba! (begins dancing around a sombrero)

Stewie: (playing with his toys) I say, look at this, this toy has small parts, why the devil would they include small parts? Unless .. I'm supposed to eat them, of-course it all adds up.(Stewie bites the toy) Oww! (spitting his tooth out) Oh dear god, I've lost a tooth.
Chris: Dude you're lucky, if you put that under your pillow the tooth fairy will come and give you a dollar.
Stewie: (shocked) What?? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here, to our house? She just breaks in like some hood?
(camera pans to see Brian sitting at the table near Stewie)
Brian: Yeah, she creeps into your house at night, and comes into your room while you sleep.
Stewie: (shocked) Oh my god!
Brian: And sometimes, just for the hell of it, (turns to Stewie) she cuts off a piece of her arm-pit hair and places it gently on your tongue.

Stewie: Oh, well let me ask you something. Does she have an alibi?
Brian: For what, why would she need an alibi?
Stewie: So your saying she does not have an alibi.
Brian: Well, no.
Stewie: Ok, so we established she ain't got no alibi, she ugly, she ugly. (chants) U-G-L-Y she ain't got no alibi she ugly.
Brian: Screw off.
Stewie: M, she major ugly, O, she fat and pugly, O my god know the cow says moo.

Stewie: You hate MTV!
Brian: Pot helps.

Stewie: Life's confusing when you grow up, isn't it Brian?
Brian: It is.
Stewie: Can we play my mixtape?
Brian: Yeah, go ahead.
(Stewie puts in the mixtape and "Cars" by Gary Numan begins to play. Stewie sings to the beat)
Stewie: Brian had sex, with a really dumb girl, now he's taking his friend Stewie, to get some ice cream, in his car.
(Brian shuts the tape off)
Stewie: Ohhhh, you're a poor sport.

Stewie: Say Jillian, I love what you've done with the place. What is it, one bedroom, one bath?
Jillian: No, it's a whole apartment.

Stewie: Alright Brian, you can do this. You can dump her, because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence?
Brian: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh dammit, now I'm doing it too!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois