Stewie Griffin Quotes
(Brian is teaching Stewie to ballroom dance)
Brian: If you're going to make me do this, at least let me lead.
Stewie: Okay, fine. (they move close together) I love you.
Stewie: Olive juice.
Brian: "Olive juice"?
Stewie: "Olive juice" you, too!
Lois: You really gotta stop misbehaving, you're gettin on mommy's nerves.
Stewie: Well, you know what will ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch.
Lois: (sighs) It's all right, I'll get some Windex.
Stewie: Come on, discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eyes, violate me with a wine bottle, my god I really have problems don't I?
Asian Santa: (really fast) What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Stewie: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa: (really fast) Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
(throws Stewie and an Asian kid comes) What you want?
Asian Kid: (really fast) Fire truck!
Asian Santa: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa: Next. (throws kid)
(After Lois spanks Stewie)
Stewie: I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car.
1st Thug: She is messed up man.
Stewie: Shut up! Just Shut up! Let me (bleep) think!...Push her out!
2nd Thug: We can't leave her alone.
Stewie: Push the bitch out!
Stewie: (going through Lois's closet) That's mine, and this mine... (picks up a board game) "Hot Monogomy, the board game for failing marriages". Dare card: "Do a striptease in front of your husband, and see how long it takes for him to get a bon-er". What's a bon-er?
Brian:( singing) Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name...
Stewie: Who sings that song?
Brian: James Taylor.
Stewie: Yeah, let's keep it that way.
Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. (picks up a gorilla) Hey, this one's cute, huh? (reads label) And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't they kill one, wow, these guys are really playing hardball.
Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck. (silence) Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck."
Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please."
Brian and Stewie: (simultaneously) Please follow that truck.
Brian: I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack. (Brian slaps him) Ahh! Bitch.
Man: Interesting. What do I get if I win?
Stewie: My dog.
Man: Hmm. What can he do?
Stewie: Um, if you put peanut butter on your body, he'll lick it off. (moment of silence) (whispers) Anywhere.
Stewie: (while carjacking a man) GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR! GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! (smashes the window)
Driver: (screaming) OH, JESUS!
Stewie: GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
Driver: OH, MY GOD!!!
Stewie: DO IT! GO! DO IT OR I'LL F**KING KILL YOU!!! GET THE F**K OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
(Brian carries the driver out of the car, then drive off as the driver leaves screaming)
Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.