Jim Caplan: Hi there, can I help you folks?
Peter: Yeah, uh, my daughter is looking for a car that goes with her personality.
Stewie: Yes, are the new bulimic cutting mobiles in yet?

Stewie: Spit on me.
(Brian spits on him)
Stewie: (sighs) That's nice. Now tell me I'm scum.
Brian: How will that cool you off?
Stewie: Hmmm?

(Lois is entering the basement holding Stewie)
Stewie: I have so much fun when we hang out Lois, and I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it like, like strawberry sunset, or ginger maiden. Or or or one of those hair color names thats a random noun, like temptress.
(Lois turns on the Washer)
Stewie: (gasps) Oooh oooh! At some point you have to let me braid it!
(Lois places Stewie into the washing machine)
Stewie: Lois, what are you doing!?
(Lois repeatedly slams the lid on Stewie, and then shuts it)
Stewie: (muffled) ahhhhhh!
(Suddenly, Lois wakes up from what was just a bad dream)
Lois: (Breathing heavily) Oh my god. Oh my god, what's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. (gasps) I'm just like Barbara Bush!

Brian: (teasing) Stewie loves Lois.
Stewie: Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.
Brian: Oh, yeah I do.

Stewie: I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.
(flashback to courtroom scene)
Prosecutor: Stewie, did Mr. Jackson behave inappropriately toward you?
Stewie: Well yes, but the worst part was he never called back.
(Courtroom erupts in laughter)
Stewie: No, but in all seriousness yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Oh God! Oh it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious...aahw, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt.

And her hugs are so delighting. What makes them nice is that they got a little spice is that they're tighter than a vice and they go on for an hour.

I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore.

Stewie: That's the girl?
Chris: Yeah, isn't she special?
Stewie: That's the way the state of Rhode Island would put it. There's something up with her, isn't there?
Chris: Yeah, she has down syndrome.
Stewie: Okay, well there we go.
Chris: She's so sweet and doesn't she have the beautiful eyes?
Stewie: Well, the spacing seems a tad off, but individually they're not awful.

Hey, Chris, did you know your bacne spells Citibank in Braille?

Wow, Meg's one of those crazy chicks that hooks up with an even crazier guy... cuts to Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy.

Family Guy Quotes

(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)

No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do?

Stewie