(Lois is entering the basement holding Stewie)
Stewie: I have so much fun when we hang out Lois, and I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it like, like strawberry sunset, or ginger maiden. Or or or one of those hair color names thats a random noun, like temptress.
(Lois turns on the Washer)
Stewie: (gasps) Oooh oooh! At some point you have to let me braid it!
(Lois places Stewie into the washing machine)
Stewie: Lois, what are you doing!?
(Lois repeatedly slams the lid on Stewie, and then shuts it)
Stewie: (muffled) ahhhhhh!
(Suddenly, Lois wakes up from what was just a bad dream)
Lois: (Breathing heavily) Oh my god. Oh my god, what's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. (gasps) I'm just like Barbara Bush!

Brian: (teasing) Stewie loves Lois.
Stewie: Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.
Brian: Oh, yeah I do.

Stewie: I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.
(flashback to courtroom scene)
Prosecutor: Stewie, did Mr. Jackson behave inappropriately toward you?
Stewie: Well yes, but the worst part was he never called back.
(Courtroom erupts in laughter)
Stewie: No, but in all seriousness yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Oh God! Oh it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious...aahw, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt.

And her hugs are so delighting. What makes them nice is that they got a little spice is that they're tighter than a vice and they go on for an hour.

I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore.

Stewie: That's the girl?
Chris: Yeah, isn't she special?
Stewie: That's the way the state of Rhode Island would put it. There's something up with her, isn't there?
Chris: Yeah, she has down syndrome.
Stewie: Okay, well there we go.
Chris: She's so sweet and doesn't she have the beautiful eyes?
Stewie: Well, the spacing seems a tad off, but individually they're not awful.

Hey, Chris, did you know your bacne spells Citibank in Braille?

Wow, Meg's one of those crazy chicks that hooks up with an even crazier guy... cuts to Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy.

Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois: A chair.
Stewie: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
Lois: Orange.
Stewie: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois: Shoes.
Stewie: A scary monster.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois: Christmas.
Stewie: 911.
Richard Dawson: Name something you do on the weekend.
Lois: Go to church.
Stewie: Black guys.

Stewie [watching Lawrence of Arabia]: Who's that rather attractive woman on a camel?
Brian: That's Peter O'Toole.
Peter: You movie buffs might likes this, both of his names are slang for penis.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley