Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXStewie Griffin Quotes
Stewie: This is going to be worse than that time I lived with Marlee Matlin.
(Flashback to Stewie in Marlee Matlin's home)
Marlee Matlin: (Farts continuously) Hey Stewie.
Stewie: Aw come on, Marlee, I know you can't hear them, but you've got to feel those things slapping out of there.
(Peter spits tobacco on the floor)
Brian: Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.
(Peter spits in cup and puts it on the arm of the couch)
Stewie: Oh, there's my apple juice.
Brian: Stewie, wait don't-
(Flashback to Stewie beating Brian)
Stewie: Where's my money? You gonna give me my money?
(Flashback ends)
Brian: Oh, nevermind.
(Stewie drinks from the cup and starts yelling)
Peter: Hey, Stewie, nice sunburn! (Slaps him on the back)
Stewie: Aaah, you horse's ass!
(Brian is taking the trash out, and hears music)
Brian: Stewie, what are you doing?
Stewie: Just gettin' my bronze on baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Huh, legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just tan Stewie being tan Stewie. Check me out Brian.
(Stewie grabs a Tab soda from a cooler and drinks it so the label is showing, then turns to the camera and smiles)
(Stewie is standing in the mirror, peeling off his dead skin)
Brian: Ewww!
Stewie: Hey Brian, you want some Stewie jerky?
Brian: Well, that's it for the list.
Stewie: Not quite Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. (Hands Brian a pencil and a pad of paper) Write down my final thoughts?
Brian: Oh, come on!
Stewie: (Softly) I don't have much time.
Brian: (sighs)
Stewie: Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid. I see you lurking there on the peripherie of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye? Oh, squiggly line, it's alright, you are forgiven.
Brian: You're talking out of your ass!
Stewie: It doesn't matter Brian, I'm tan! Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian... Look at my tan walk!
(Brian is teaching Stewie to ballroom dance)
Brian: If you're going to make me do this, at least let me lead.
Stewie: Okay, fine. (they move close together) I love you.
Brian: What?!
Stewie: Olive juice.
Brian: "Olive juice"?
Stewie: "Olive juice" you, too!
Lois: You really gotta stop misbehaving, you're gettin on mommy's nerves.
Stewie: Well, you know what will ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch.
Lois: (sighs) It's all right, I'll get some Windex.
Stewie: Come on, discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eyes, violate me with a wine bottle, my god I really have problems don't I?
Stewie: (going through Lois's closet) That's mine, and this mine... (picks up a board game) "Hot Monogomy, the board game for failing marriages". Dare card: "Do a striptease in front of your husband, and see how long it takes for him to get a bon-er". What's a bon-er?
Asian Santa: (really fast) What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Stewie: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa: (really fast) Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
(throws Stewie and an Asian kid comes) What you want?
Asian Kid: (really fast) Fire truck!
Asian Santa: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa: Next. (throws kid)
(After Lois spanks Stewie)
Stewie: I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car.
1st Thug: She is messed up man.
Stewie: Shut up! Just Shut up! Let me (bleep) think!...Push her out!
2nd Thug: We can't leave her alone.
Stewie: Push the bitch out!
