Ted Buckland Quotes
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest, giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!
Dr. Cox: Huh!
J.D.: Now, if you don't want my help, then fine, I'll back off... But only because I feel a little bit guilty.
Dr. Cox: About what?
Ted: Dr. Cox, you received four complaints about calling male residents by girl's names.
Dr. Cox: Oh-ho. JUDY!
Ted: Dr. Cox. Ah. I'm afraid my band lost a member. So we're not going to be able to perform at your son's party.
Dr. Cox: Ted. Now even though I never asked you to, that is still just terrific news.
Ted: Sir you know my band? The Worthless Peons. Well, Chris from shipping and receiving wants to go solo. We lose him, we lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Kelso: Ted you know my rule about personal problems. I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife.
Carla: I don't think he understands that "Espinosa" is more than a name to me. It's my heritage. It's also a candy bar in Equador. But mostly it's my heritage. I just don't want to do this Dr. Kelso, but I already agreed. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Kelso: Well, Nurse Snickers, until now you've just been white noise. But since you forced me to respond, let me a tell you a couple of things that only a few people know: I haven't paid my country club dues since the third quarter of ninety-seven. But I still tee off every Wednesday at eight fifteen, and take a bare-ass steam when the last putt drops. But more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems. And you can confirm that with Ted.
Ted: Don't those Espinosa's have nougat?
Ted: Well its official. Chris left the band.
Dr. Kelso: Well Ted, you know what I think? Good riddance to him. You'll find another tenor.
Ted: Thank you sir.
Dr. Kelso: If you don't, who cares? You all stink anyway.
Ted: Sir, I think I figured out how my problem affects one of your loved ones. It affects me.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss.
Janitor: Did you tell anybody about my epiphany toilet?
J.D.: No, why?
Janitor: Where're you coming from?
Ted: Uhhh...
Over the Janitor's shoulder, J.D. shakes his head
Ted: ...No!
Hector(Translated from Spanish): I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble.
Carla(Translated from Spanish): Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich.
Ted: I forget. Is that "kill him" or "screw him"?
Carla/Hector: "Screw him."
Ted: Awwww.
Ted: "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste" - I thought that was a nice touch - "legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.
Dr. Kelso: Shocker.
Dr. Kelso: That oughtta keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.
Ted: I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage the jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.
Dr. Kelso: Stop babbling, Ted. No one's ever listening.
Ted: Is this heaven?
Janitor: It's garbage.
Randall: Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.
Ted: Wha?
Dr. Kelso: I want my money back! And Ted! Shower and get back to work!
Ted: Mark my words! If one more person is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it!
Laverne: Shut up, bozo.
Ted: One more person. She didn't know the rules.
