Ted Buckland Quotes
Ted:Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?
Jordan: Hmmm.
Ted: Sorry.
Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me.
(At Jordan and Perry's "divorce" celebration) And so, by the power vested in me by the American Bar Association, I pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife. You may now do whatever the hell you want!
Dr. Kelso: We have some very exciting news.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. You and sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that comittment ceremony that you've been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way and believe me there were nights in the service that that didn't sound so farfetched, Ted is hardly my type.
Ted: I beg to differ, I've seen Enid.
Dr. Kelso: What?!
Ted: Nothing.
J.D.: Thirsty, huh?
Ted: Helps the tears taste less bitter.
J.D.: Cheers.
Ted: Anyway, I was also going through a divorce - she's with my brother now; he's nine inches shorter than me but he wears a piece - the point is, you and I signed the wrong papers, which technically means you two are still married and so am I.
Dr. Kelso: Well, mazel tovs all around!
J.D.'s Narration: I've never seen Dr. Cox and Jordan speechless before. It was neat-o!
Molly: Obviously for your ex-wife, just the illusion of hair is important. Excuse me.
Ted: So you're saying it had nothing to do with my impotence?
Hey, Mr. Valentine. I re-did your will on a computer. And to make it less depressing, I used a fun font.
Dr. Maddox: (Looking in Ted's briefcase) Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well...one's in case I get sad and...the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well! See you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.
Worthless Peons: "(Bum-bum-bum) Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava na-"
J.D.: Ted! Church!
Ted: We do mostly Bar Mitzvahs.
J.D.: Ted! Can you play a little music for us, buddy?
Ted: It's gonna cost you double what you paid us for the church.
Turk: Here's twenty.
Ted: Aaaand, here's four back.
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest, giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!
Dr. Cox: Huh!
J.D.: Now, if you don't want my help, then fine, I'll back off... But only because I feel a little bit guilty.
Dr. Cox: About what?
Ted: Dr. Cox, you received four complaints about calling male residents by girl's names.
Dr. Cox: Oh-ho. JUDY!
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, it's been brought to my attention that there's been some inappropriate behavior lately.
Carla: I know. I brought it to your attention.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, it occurred to me that we can't allow this to continue.
Ted: It occurred to you because I researched case studies detailing the hospital's liability instead of going to single's night at the Korean church by my house!
Dr. Kelso: Ted's sad life aside, I have decided that you are going to run a sexual harassment seminar.
