Ted Buckland Quotes
Ted: If people keep pushing me for no reason, I swear I will hurl myself off this building!
Janitor: I'm not cleaning you up.
Carla: Ted's helping Maggie with her will.
Maggie: Thanks again, Ted. How'd you get through sixty pages so quickly?
Ted: Well, Miss Hibersol, it helps to not really know what you're doing.
Dr. Cox: (Honestly sincere) Really Ted, I'm sorry about the mother situation.
Ted: She has cold feet!
Dr. Cox: Oh don't be that guy!
Ted: What guy?
(Dr. Cox leaves)
What guy?!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, Ted. I meant to tell you eight months ago, all those days of vacation you saved up expire riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...now!
Ted: But sir! I was going to visit The Alamo with the guys from my public sp-speaking class!
Ted: You are so beautiful.
Maggie: That was worth the wait! You are a stallion!
Dr. Cox: About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to "crash for a while." Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice...I don't even know anymore.
Ted: Same thing happened to me. After my divorce, I told Mariana I was going to crash at her place for a few weeks, and we've been sharing a bed for eight years.
J.D.: Isn't Mariana your mother?
Ted: Hey, who are we talking about here, you or me?
Ted is about to jump off the roof
Ted: Not today! Life's too good!
Dr. Kelso: Chicken.
Maggie: Stop it, Ted. You're a great lawyer.
Ted: Ohh, I love her.
Sir, we've got some complaints that the new discount stethoscopes you ordered are uncomfortably tight. I contacted the manufacturer, but apparently he's decided to focus more on his hand-made smoking paraphernalia.
Ted: There you are you deaf bastard! I hate you so much everytime you utter my name I want to stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now.
Ted: Who's Ted?
Ted: Are you okay Dr... (Voice fades out to incomprehensible sounds)
Dr. Kelso's Narration: Sweet dancing Jehovah, I've punctured my brain!
Dr. Kelso: (on the phone) Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions - once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years... I love you, too.
Ted: That was...beautiful, sir!
Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.
