Ted Buckland Quotes
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget.
Ted: Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department - I'm an attorney.
Dr. Kelso: Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuff Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?
Dr. Kelso: Ted, you're a simpleton!
Ted: That's funny, 'cause I thought I was rubber and you were glue!
Dr. Kelso: Idiot!
Ted: Boing-fwip!
Dr. Cox: Principle Bob! Ya called?
Dr. Kelso: Can you explain this?
Dr. Cox: It appears to be a wiring problem! Either way, the second floor desperately needs a new computer.
Dr. Kelso: Jackass!
Ted: Boing-fwip!
Dr. Kelso: I was talking about him, you buffoon!
Ted: Boing-fwip.
Elliot: I was talking about U2, the band! You know what, it's fine. He probably thinks I was just saying it the way that you would say "I love eggs." You know, I'm sure there is not gonna be a problem.
Carla: Okay!
Ted: Uh, we have a telegram from Nurse Paul Flowers - That name is funny! Uh, this is my band.
Carla: Oh, my God, Ted! Everybody knows - TV themes!
Ted: That's old news, doll-face! We do commercial jingles now!
Carla: Ugh.
Band: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ahh-ahhhh!
Ted: The best part of wakin' up
Band: Is Elliot in your cup! In your cup!
Elliot: That's it?
Band: By Mennen!
Dr. Kelso: Ted, have you noticed how happy the minions are lately?
Ted: I wish I was dead.
Dr. Kelso: Yep. People love working here.
Ted: I honestly don't know what put the idea of golfing on the roof in my head!
Todd: Dude! It is so nice out here! You mind if I take it down to the banana hammock?
Dr. Kelso: Uh, Ted. Dr. Koppelman has notified me that he will be vacating the office next to mine. His deteriorating health has made it impossible for him to continue on with us.
Ted: Oh, dear. Should we send him a card?
Dr. Kelso: Absolutely! See if you can find one that says, "Crippling arthritis or not, I want you out of my hospital by sundown so I can knock down your wall and make myself a giant office!"
Ted: You're a wonderful man.
Elliot: Every woman here hates the fact that they've gotta get undressed in a co-ed locker room. Except for Naked Nancy, but, I mean, she's an exhibitionist and she's got a whole other set of problems.
Ted: We have a co-ed locker room? Hot damn!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, if you really feel the need to discuss it, just write it out on a piece of paper and slip it in my suggestion box.
Elliot: Really?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Ted! Show it to her.
Ted shows Elliot the trash can
Ted: Sorry.
Elliot: It's okay.
Ted: So, uh... this locker room... Do you have to be a doctor to change in there, or what?
Dr. Kelso: This hospital has always had a co-ed locker room. Ahhh, back when I was a resident, I remember blah-blah-blah, nostalgic story. Now get the hell out of my office!... Not you, Ted... Ted, get the hell out of my office!
Ted: Oh, thank God.
Ted: I bought some relaxation tapes... They're working.
J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting!
J.D.: No, I-I just gave him I.V. Imipenem.
Ted: Kelso's gonna blame me. Just... get rid of the nose!
J.D.: Ted, I don't- I don't have the nose
Ted: Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Dr. Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Who - who would want to?
Carla: Mrs. Bumbry's fifty-three.
Dr. Kelso: Mrs. who is what?
Carla: The patient Dr. Cox got in to the G.I. clinical trial. She was disqualified because her chart said she was sixty-three, and the cut-off is fifty-five. But, the genius who admitted her calculated her age wrong; she's actually a perfect candidate.
Dr. Kelso: And Dr. Cox knew this?
Carla: He knew the whole time.
Dr. Kelso: Fan-damn-tastic. Sweetheart, you'd better do the old heel-toe out of here, because you know as well as I do I'm going to take this out on somebody.
Carla: Bye-bye!
Ted: May I, uh, join you?
Dr. Kelso: By all means!
Ted: Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream.
