Favorite Ted Crisp Quotes
Linda: There's a single dads club that meets on the fifth floor every week. Maybe you should check it out.
Ted: Eh, I guess I could go beat up some single dads
Ted: I'm a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.
Linda: Huh. Last week a story like that would've surprised me. So who'd you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle
Lem: Bosses and employees just shouldn't hang out. It's like a ventriloquist trying to be friends with his dummy. At the end of the day, you know who's sleeping in a suitcase.
Phil: The dummy.
Ted: All right, I was the one who pushed for us to hang out, so I should endure this. I mean suffer through... I mean support you. Because that's what friends do
Phil: At full power, the sound wave is so intense it can cause vomiting.
Ted: A machine that causes vomiting. Well, that could have all kinds of applications for the military... and fashion modeling
Yes, a biocomputer. It's half machine, half living organism. If you think that sounds creepy, you should see it at feeding time.
Ted: Well, I'd love to help you, Linda, but I don't have a lot of space in here.
Linda: In here. In here... in here.
Ted: And there's that terrible echo
The implications for weight loss are enormous. And while elective brain surgery doesn't test that great, it still tests better than dieting and exercise
Ted: And so, if the company keeps hiring white people to follow black people to follow white people to follow black people, by...
Lem: Thursday, June 27, 2013.
Ted: ...every person on Earth will be working for us. And we don't have the parking for that
Veronica: Legal is worried that Phil might think his annoying outbursts are connected to our allegedly freezing him.
Ted: We didn't "allegedly" freeze him, we froze him. Like a human leftover.
Veronica: Legal says we don't know what that chamber is that he entered freely. The latest theory is that he may have been attempting to perform a magic trick.
Ted: Oh, yeah, that magic trick where the company freezes him.
Veronica: Remember that perfume your team developed about a year ago? In 3 out of 5,000 women, it reacts with their body chemistry and attracts hornets who want to mate with them.
Ted: And when the hornets realize they've been deceived, do they just laugh it off?
Veronica: If by "laugh" you mean sting over and over again in endless waves of fury, then yes, they have a wonderful sense of humor
Ted: Did you do your math homework?
Rose: Yes.
Ted: Six times eight?
Rose: Yes, that was one of them
Never give up. That's what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can't, because that would be giving up
