Favorite Ted Crisp Quotes
Ted: The system doesn't see black people?
Veronica: I know. Weird, huh?
Ted: That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.
Veronica: The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."
Ted: Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.
Veronica: Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.
Linda: You love rules. You should marry a rule and have little rule children, then build a house made of rules.
Ted: You mean a house made of my own children?
Linda: That's between you and your conscience
Ted: What are you afraid of? If you... if you throw a game, it's gonna keep you out of the time-wasters hall of fame?
Linda: No. My position there is secure from getting my art history degree.
Linda: Hey there, Bloopity-Bloo.
Ted: Bloopity-Bloo?
Linda: It's a nickname I came up with for you, right off the top of my head.
Ted: Hmm, so what made you get high before work this morning?
Veronica: So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.
Ted: But we didn't know it could happen.
Veronica: Good. That sounds very truthful.
Ted: Because we didn't know
Veronica: That one wasn't as good.
Ted: But we didn't.
Veronica: There you go. That's the one.
Ted: Veronica!
Veronica: I'd leave my name out of it
Lem: Maybe the meat blob's not taking in enough nutrients. I guess I could try and give it a mouth.
Ted: I'm gonna say no to the meat blob getting a mouth. Mostly because I don't want to hear what it has to say
Veronica: So this thing with Phil, making that stupid face and yelling, they think it's distracting.
Ted: I guess in hindsight they shouldn't have vitrified his brains.
Veronica: Look, I'm not going to play the blame game with you
Ted: We're working on a contract for solar-powered ovens, which the military plans to air-drop into remote villages as a goodwill gesture. It'll be the only thing the military drops that doesn't kill people. The problem is...
Lem: It kills people.
Phil: The plastic we're using leaches toxins into food.
Lem: However, the toxins are only released when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.
Phil: Which is the only time solar ovens work.
Veronica: Some days, it seems like everything we do leaches toxins
My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school. Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland. Second prize gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland
The implications for weight loss are enormous. And while elective brain surgery doesn't test that great, it still tests better than dieting and exercise
Ted: And so, if the company keeps hiring white people to follow black people to follow white people to follow black people, by...
Lem: Thursday, June 27, 2013.
Ted: ...every person on Earth will be working for us. And we don't have the parking for that
Veronica: Legal is worried that Phil might think his annoying outbursts are connected to our allegedly freezing him.
Ted: We didn't "allegedly" freeze him, we froze him. Like a human leftover.
Veronica: Legal says we don't know what that chamber is that he entered freely. The latest theory is that he may have been attempting to perform a magic trick.
Ted: Oh, yeah, that magic trick where the company freezes him.
