Better Off Ted

Ted Crisp Quotes

Ted: Do you know how many times I didn't get laid in college because girls don't like getting hissed at by a jealous possum?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Bang zoom! I'm getting a muffin!
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: And congratulations to you for falling through the ceiling in a metal tube and winning that game. That's gotta feel good.
Veronica: You're gonna have to speak up. I'm temporarily deaf in one ear. As you may know, I fell through the ceiling in a metal tube. But at least I won that game, and that feels good.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: What are you afraid of? If you... if you throw a game, it's gonna keep you out of the time-wasters hall of fame?
Linda: No. My position there is secure from getting my art history degree.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Ted: It's hard for me to fulfill my manly duties when Phi keeps telling me how much I'm pleasuring him.
Phil: Oh, my God.
Ted: Yes, you said that a lot last night.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Phil, why on earth would you use your voice for the translator device?
Phil: It was the fastest way to fix it, since we already had my voice in the computer from that failed talking frying pan project.
Lem: Stupid thing wouldn't stop screaming when you put it on the burner.
Phil: Plus, it was very critical. "You really need that much butter?" Screw you, frying pan.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: I saw what was going on in there between you and Fraulein Cheekbones. When you show her around town, keep your Hansels off her Gretels.
Ted: I was just being friendly.
Veronica: I'm serous, Ted. This deal is too important and sex can screw things up. Why do you think the Three Stooges went through so many Curlys?
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Veronica is late for our big meeting with the Germans, who, of course, are right on time. What? It's a positive stereotype.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lem: We don't create evil things.
Ted: Some might see this long-range people-skinning laser as evil-ish.
Phil: Well, that was only designed so you could peel an orange in your kitchen while sitting comfortably in your living room.
Ted: Well, now it's used to peel enemy soldiers overseas while you sit comfortably in the Pentagon.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: And listen. The Germans are all worried because, ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.
Phil: Wow. That's like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry
 • Rating: Unrated

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