Leslie: Tom, we're back.
Tom: Jeremy, suck it. By the way I've been giving away free sports bras to the girls at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Woman: These are way too tight.
Tom: Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet.

Tom: Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods. Oh god.
Lucy: What? Who is that?
Tom: That is my ex-wife.

Tom: Is that bacon on your turkey leg?
Ron: They call it a Swanson.

Tom: Ron Corleone. This really attractive woman is my girlfriend, Lucy.
Ron: Hello, Lucy.
Lucy: Hi.
Ron: Whoa. Impressive handshake.
Lucy: Thanks. My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists. He hated both.
Ron: Well done, Tommy.

Donna: When we canceled on him, he took another gig in Eagleton. At a library.
Tom: That's literally the worst place I could imagine.

Tom: We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.
Lucy: You guys know Tom really well so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right?

Sorry we're late. I had to wait on my girlfriend to finish eating breakfast.

Leslie: Is this a bad time?
Tom: Lucy's here, I'm in my sexy pajamas. I just took four Benadryls to dull my sensitivity. Yes.
Leslie: You're about to have sex.
Tom: Why else would Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee" be playing right now.

Tom: We need to do something to distract from this... boring area. Now I didn't want to have to do this but we may have to go nude.
Ann: Goodbye, Tom.

Tom: In a million years, I never thought you'd be the problem with this photo shoot.
Ann: Didn't you just plan this like two hours ago?

Hey, if there's anyone out there that's doing a photo shoot about the dangers of eating undercooked chicken, I can give you Ann's phone number.