Tom: Twilight is dope. I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.
Kelly: Sing it, friend. Here, book two. Twilight: New Moon. Get crackin'.
Tom: There's a second book?
Kelly: And a third. And a fourth.
Tom: No [expletive] way.

Kelly: You look sad.
Tom: You look like a weird goon who's obsessed with a kid's book.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.

For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!

Hmm, a disappointingly good idea from Jerry.

Before we get started, a quick announcement. Every Thursday night is ladies night down at the Snakehole Lounge over on Bernum Avenue. Ladies get two drinks for the price of one. Well, that can't be right. That's way too good of a deal. Nope. That is what it says. Wow, that sounds like a fun time.

See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate.

Look, the worst thing you can do with an important presentation like this is over prepare. So, I think it's best if I go to the spa.

Leslie: Parks services are still here, and we have a job to do.
Tom: Make the world's biggest pizza.
Leslie: No, make this town fun for the people who live here.
Tom: Fine. But after that, the pizza is our top priority.
Leslie: No it's not.
Ron: We're getting pizza?

Leslie: Tom, we're back.
Tom: Jeremy, suck it. By the way I've been giving away free sports bras to the girls at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Woman: These are way too tight.
Tom: Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet.

Tom: Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods. Oh god.
Lucy: What? Who is that?
Tom: That is my ex-wife.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.

Andy