Chris: Man.. you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi or something.
Tom: You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.
Chris: Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.

Tom: Watch the master work it, I am the Yoda of networking.
Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking, his powers were more spiritual.
Tom: Shut up you nerd!

His real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it to Dennis Feinstein 'cause that's way more exotic in Pawnee.

Tom: Joan, let's make a pact, OK? If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married.
Joan: Tom, I'm already married.
Tom: Oh, that's right. To Seal. Oh, I confused you with Heidi Klum again.

Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.

Nice job man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 'Cause it came off that way. You embarrassed me in front of The Douche.

Man: Sup, guys? Just douching over here in Eagleton.
Tom: Sweet.

Tom: All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
Andy: And you imagine he's wearing a cape, while he's plowing her?
Tom: What?
Andy: No, just Captain Mustache? I mean if all you could think of is Ron — you know — Maybe put him in some tights and a cape, and then it would be funny.
Tom: Now I'm imagining a cape.

Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.

I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough, like the normal kids compared to the vampires? Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation? Where you like me but there's someone else you like more?

Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Sometimes when you make an omelet you've gotta break a few eggs. What's the alternative? No omelets at all? Who wants to live in that kind of world? Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.

Leslie

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April