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Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.

Nice job man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 'Cause it came off that way. You embarrassed me in front of The Douche.

Man: Sup, guys? Just douching over here in Eagleton.
Tom: Sweet.

Tom: All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
Andy: And you imagine he's wearing a cape, while he's plowing her?
Tom: What?
Andy: No, just Captain Mustache? I mean if all you could think of is Ron — you know — Maybe put him in some tights and a cape, and then it would be funny.
Tom: Now I'm imagining a cape.

Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.

I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough, like the normal kids compared to the vampires? Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation? Where you like me but there's someone else you like more?

Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.

Tom: Twilight is dope. I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.
Kelly: Sing it, friend. Here, book two. Twilight: New Moon. Get crackin'.
Tom: There's a second book?
Kelly: And a third. And a fourth.
Tom: No [expletive] way.

Kelly: You look sad.
Tom: You look like a weird goon who's obsessed with a kid's book.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.

For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!

Hmm, a disappointingly good idea from Jerry.

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 217 in total

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.

Andy
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