Parks and Recreation

Thursdays 8:30 PM on NBC
Parks and recreation
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Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.

Nice job man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 'Cause it came off that way. You embarrassed me in front of The Douche.

Man: Sup, guys? Just douching over here in Eagleton.
Tom: Sweet.

Tom: All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
Andy: And you imagine he's wearing a cape, while he's plowing her?
Tom: What?
Andy: No, just Captain Mustache? I mean if all you could think of is Ron — you know — Maybe put him in some tights and a cape, and then it would be funny.
Tom: Now I'm imagining a cape.

Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.

I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough, like the normal kids compared to the vampires? Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation? Where you like me but there's someone else you like more?

Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.

Tom: Twilight is dope. I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.
Kelly: Sing it, friend. Here, book two. Twilight: New Moon. Get crackin'.
Tom: There's a second book?
Kelly: And a third. And a fourth.
Tom: No [expletive] way.

Kelly: You look sad.
Tom: You look like a weird goon who's obsessed with a kid's book.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.

For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!

Hmm, a disappointingly good idea from Jerry.

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 217 in total

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

Ron