Much like women in 90's stand up comedy routines, Tommy be shoppin'.

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

Ben: What's your new company?
Tom: We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.

I hate to say this, but sometimes you have to work a little so you can ball A LOT.

Parents, are you tired of watching your middle school aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy them? Then rent them! From Rent A Swag! You rent it. You wear it. You clean it. You return it. I get rich!

I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack! Is that so much to ask?

Seriously, did you eat farts for lunch?

Wikipedia is mankind's greatest invention. You can learn about anything. We all know Ray J. We all know he's a singer. He's Brandy's brother. And he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian. But, did you also know he's Snoop Dogg's cousin AND he was in the 1996 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks? Suddenly, you're on the Mars Attacks page!

Okay, I start everyday by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes I like to throw in Linkedin. For the profession shorties.

[via Tweet] Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. #Unbreakable #WhatsMrGlassuptothesedays #whynosequel?

Tom: I don't want to put words in your mouth, but case dismissed.
Lawyer: And you were texting at the time, correct?
Tom: How dare you sir? I was tweeting!

Take the easy way out. I always do! It's easy!

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.