Tracy Jordan Quotes
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No
Tracy: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy-
Pete: No.
Tracy: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toofer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom
and do her hair. Then, I'll put on a ski mask...
I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you are thinking of.
Tracy: Lemme just say, I'm excited to be here. It's an honor for you to meet me. I've got a lot of characters I'm ready to bust out. I got a character named "Biscuit", write that out. I got another character named "Rolando", who is a two-foot-tall Spanish hustler. [pointing to Frank] Glasses, I want you to write that one. I got another character named "Ching Chong" who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, 'cause that's how I flow. Now, I'm up for anything.
Josh: Well, I thought, uh, me and you could play Seinfeld and Bill Cosby.
Tracy: No. I don't like that.
Liz: We gotta do something.
Tracy: Let's crash my car to see if the airbags go off.
Liz: Let me explain what I'm talking about first!
Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.
Liz: I'm not like these girls, Tracy. I don't have sex for money!
Stripper: Neither do we!
Tracy: Neither do they! [mouthing silently] Yes they do!
You know how pissed off I was when US Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack. I'm straight-up mentally ill!
Tracy: I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.
Kenneth: (dreamily) Pregnant cornbread ...
Television on! Pornography!
Remember that e-mail we got from those Nigerians who need our help getting that money out of Africa? We did it! I got the check today.
If you get rich off this stuff just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.
