Zapp Brannigan Quotes
I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you.
Kif: Sir, they're headed straight for us.
Zapp Brannigan: A well calculated move... straight out of Sun Tzu's ancient text, 'The Art of War.' Or my own master work, 'Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War.' But the one thing their captain doesn't realize, and never will is tha--
Kif: Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.
Zapp Brannigan: Then I have risked all and lost. Kiff old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter have it sent to my P.O. Box.
Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.
Kif: Who are you talking to, sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.
Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir?
Zapp Brannigan: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
Fry: I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system.
Zapp Brannigan: The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them.
Fry: Wow! I never would have thought of that!
Zapp Brannigan: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kif, show them the medal I won.
(Kif then points to Zapp's chest where the medal is)
Zapp Brannigan: The Democratic Order Of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law".
Leela: But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow.
Zapp Brannigan: Yes, by a Democratic Order Of Planets mining crew.
Zapp Brannigan: I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions?
Kif: I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B-10.8-1.
Zapp Brannigan: You mean Brannigan's Law?
Kif: Right, that law.
Zapp Brannigan: Which one?
Kif: Brannigan's Law.
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protg you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Kif: Yes.
Zapp Brannigan: Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: "The boy", sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You. You lay out my formal shorts.
Zapp Brannigan: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?
Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.
Zapp Brannigan: Well, I have studied abroad. Or two!
Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you.
I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's law; I merely enforce it.
Leela: Zapp, last night was a mistake.
Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.
Leela: No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity.
Zapp Brannigan: A split second is all it takes. That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper.
Leela: The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away... from!
Zapp Brannigan: Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.
