Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? Hello? Ca...
(Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they are, and why.)
Hell Director: Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? (taps the mic a few times) Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay. (the crowd quiets down) Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about-
Man 4: Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here. I was a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!
Hell Director: Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man 5: Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
Crowd: (disappointed) Awww.
Satan: I just don't know which one to pick.
God: Now you've become dependent on relationships.
- Permalink: I just don't know which one to pick. Now you've become depende...
(to Satan) If you're not sexually attracted to someone, then you're not ever going to be. But Saddam isn't right for you either, he's the other extreme. You should try spending some time alone, find the middle ground. That's what I do, because I'm a Buddhist.God
- Permalink: If you're not sexually attracted to someone, then you're not eve...