30 Rock

30 Rock Season 1 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 1 Episode 12: "Black Tie"

Girl: Your name sounds Jewish. You must be important.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Bianca: Congratulations John, she's much sharper than the other girl you had ... what was her name?
Jack: Beyonce.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
Liz: I'm twelve years younger than you.
Jack: A woman your age then.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Liz: You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?
Jenna: Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it!
Liz: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
Jenna: No, you're a good friend and thank you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 11: "The Head and the Hair"

The Head: I see you're lookin' at my watch.
Liz: What?
The Head: It's cool, isn't it? That's a Japanese pie watch.
Liz: Oh, okay.
The Head: It tells time with those little pie pieces. Each piece is six minutes, so right now it's... six times four... 5:30? That can't be right.
Liz: My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.
The Head: Hey, that's awesome possum.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jack: When I was your age, I was putting myself through college in Boston paddling swan boats for the tourists.
Kenneth: Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Liz: Ok, what's your game, friend?
Gray (The Hair): Game? There's no game. What are you talking about?
Liz: I don't have any money if that's what you're after. And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to. If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop so don't even try it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you, sir!
Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 10: "The Rural Juror"

Tracy: I need a hundred thousand dollars, or I'm gonna lose both my houses.
Jack: Tracy, I don't understand. You've starred in 14 films; you don't have any money saved?
Tracy: No, I lost all of it.
Jack: Really? Who's your money manager?
Tracy: Grizz.
Grizz: Worldcom, man. Worldcom.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jack: Look, Tracy, I can't just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need. You must know Arsenio.
Tracy: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?
Tracy: No.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jenna: You know, I have to admit, I kinda like that Tracy Jordan is no longer the only movie star on TGS. Maybe I'll finally start getting some respect around here.
Frank: What's up, flabby butt? You look weird today... Hey Pete, you want to see a comic book with pregnant zombie nuns?
Pete: Yes, I do.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dr. Spaceman: Jack! Tracy! What can I do for you?
Jack: We have a product we want you to give a medical endorsement to.
Dr. Spaceman: I'll do it! What is it?
Jack: It's called the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. It's a dual-press grill.
Dr. Spaceman: Say no more. If it's giving people meat, then I'm on board. I've always said humans need more animal blood. It keeps their spine straight.
Jack: We appreciate it, Leo.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tracy: So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?
Jack: Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea... and they will make the Meat Machine.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jenna: Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.
Pete: Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.
Jenna: Yeah, I know!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 9: "The Baby Show"

Liz: Jack Donaghy is gonna kill me and then he's gonna kill you and then he's gonna fold us up in a pizza and eat us.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cerie: Guess what, everyone? I'm engaged!
Frank: Hey, this isn't going to change the way you dress or eat lollipops, is it?
Cerie: No.
Frank: Oh, then, congratulations.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Liz: I'm not firing Josh.
Tracy: You always take his side.
[cut to flashback]
Liz: Tracy, stop tasering him!
[cut to present]
Tracy: See? I need to be respected, Liz Lemon.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Liz: Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?
Dr. Spaceman: I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tracy: This is untoward! This is not toward!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Liz: What's going on, business got ya down?
Jack: Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.
 • Rating: Unrated

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