Better Off Ted Season 1 Quotes
Wait. i thought we used the last of the Band-Aids when you wanted to see what I'd look like with a mustache
Phil
Lem: Here's a Band-Aid. And there's your lady shoulder.
Linda: Just bring the specs to my desk. I'll be the one hoping I never hear the term "lady shoulder" ever again
Lem: Ted knows everything we do.
Phil: He's like a god. Only it hurts more when he judges us
My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school. Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland. Second prize gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland
Phil: I win! This is the most fun anyone has ever had with hypodermic needles.
Lem: It's not over yet. It's still wobbling. And it can't come out for at least a minute. Same rules as for losing your virginity
Veronica: Here, I bought you some briefs. The boxers you were wearing didn't highlight your assets. Penis-ly speaking.
Ted: Thank you
Ted: And so, if the company keeps hiring white people to follow black people to follow white people to follow black people, by...
Lem: Thursday, June 27, 2013.
Ted: ...every person on Earth will be working for us. And we don't have the parking for that
"Money before people," that's the company motto. Engraved on the lobby floor. It just looks more heroic in Latin
Veronica
Ted: Listen, you're not, uh, you know...
Veronica: What, Ted? Embarrassed? Upset? Disappointed? Itchy? Hungry? Earning twice your salary? Don't worry, I'm not any of those things. Maybe a little hungry. Plus, the salary thing
If we did this, it would be fun. I mean, it always is with me. I'm not bragging, it just is
Veronica [turning down sex with Ted]
When you stand up for yourself, you get things done. I learned that the first time I sent back undercooked chicken at a restaurant. Sure, I ended up paying for two chickens...
Phil
Well, I'm different than other women, Ted, and by different, I mean better.
Veronica
