Better Off Ted Season 1 Quotes
Phil: This jet pack project is going to be so exciting. Jet packs are the ultimate dream of every scientist. Skies teeming with ordinary citizens strapped to rockets.
Lem: Flying through the air at 60 miles an hour in any direction... A lot of people are going to die
I think I know my last name. It's the one thing my father and I agree on
Linda: You love rules. You should marry a rule and have little rule children, then build a house made of rules.
Ted: You mean a house made of my own children?
Linda: That's between you and your conscience
Don't bother with HR. I can fake any ID with a razor blade and wite-out. Trust me, I've been 21 since I was 15
Linda
Sometimes big companies make big mistakes. Like yesterday's, which caused a million fish in Lake Michigan to grow fur
Linda: No, I can't be a chicken lady. I have so much I want to do in my life. I want to get married and have children and glue feathers to my back to mess with idiot scientists who are careless with experimental drugs.
Phil: You can still do all those things! Oh, wait
Ted: I sold more wrapping paper than you.
Veronica: That's not what we were competing over.
Ted: It was one of the things we were competing over.
Veronica: You're so competitive, it's sick.
Ted: Not as sick as you.
Veronica: That's right. I win... again
General McMillan: A body like a young Mark Spitz.
Ted: Well, thank you, General. I can't hear that enough. Although, five times is getting pretty close
Veronica: I've put Rose so far ahead there's no way anyone can catch her. Although, there's a 3% chance she could end up in jail.
Ted: Fine, you win.
Veronica: I like when that happens, and it happens a lot
Ted: You stole a baby?
Linda: Only for a few seconds. Turns out, just because you write your name on something doesn't mean you get to keep it.
Ted: Yeah, I think babies have to be notarized
But I know I could beat Veronica. At the company picnic, I beat her in a three-legged race. Although we both lost to something Phil and Lem created in the lab
Phil: Linda, you can't hurt a baby.
Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They're not indestructible.
Phil: I meant it's morally indefensible.
Lem: Well, what if the baby killed a man?
Phil: You and your moral puzzles. I just love 'em
