Carlos: When I got home from prison, all you left me was a post it that said: Take out the trash, ex-con.

Come in! And don't be an axe murderer.

Lynette

A loan shark and a Jehovah witness? Not a combo you see often.

Renee

My son eats waffsicles!

Lynette

You better watch. This phone has a whoop-ass app.

Gaby

You had me at stupid girlfriend.

Lynette

Yes, love can bring out the best in us... the confidence to move on, the courage to tell the truth, the strength to keep hoping, but sometimes what surprises us the most isn't what love brings out but who it brings back.

Mary Alice

Juanita: First, kissing. Then, get married. Then, he buys me presents.
Gaby: Oh my God, you are my daughter.
Gaby: Wow. Booze, loose morals, and swearing? Too bad, there's no more Bree left.

What is that... 5 guys in a week? Is she starting a basketball team?

Lynette

The last guy who saw me naked told me not to wait too long around pap smears.
 

Lynette

I don't even like baby talk from babies.

Renee

Sometimes the only thing that needs to be removed is a memory.

Mary Alice

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it? Fine. I don't need to talk. Okay. Yes, I had a little affair. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it. But it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Nobody died. Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos. Okay, it takes two people. How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone? See, so technically, you cheated, too. It's just your mistress was your work.

Gabrielle