Carlos: When I got home from prison, all you left me was a post it that said: Take out the trash, ex-con.

Come in! And don't be an axe murderer.

Lynette

A loan shark and a Jehovah witness? Not a combo you see often.

Renee

My son eats waffsicles!

Lynette

You better watch. This phone has a whoop-ass app.

Gaby

You had me at stupid girlfriend.

Lynette

Yes, love can bring out the best in us... the confidence to move on, the courage to tell the truth, the strength to keep hoping, but sometimes what surprises us the most isn't what love brings out but who it brings back.

Mary Alice

Juanita: First, kissing. Then, get married. Then, he buys me presents.
Gaby: Oh my God, you are my daughter.
Gaby: Wow. Booze, loose morals, and swearing? Too bad, there's no more Bree left.

What is that... 5 guys in a week? Is she starting a basketball team?

Lynette

The last guy who saw me naked told me not to wait too long around pap smears.
 

Lynette

I don't even like baby talk from babies.

Renee

Sometimes the only thing that needs to be removed is a memory.

Mary Alice

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

(narrating) The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recongnize them? They are the ones who are missed so terribly, everything falls apart in their absence. (Shot of Andrew and Bree packing his suitcase, placing a photo of Rex inside last.) They are the ones who love us, long before we even arrive. (Shot of Carlos smiling as he rubs Gabrielle's stomach.) They are the ones who come looking for us, when we can't find our way home. (Shot of Mike walking Bongo as he looks at a flyer of Zach's) Yes, the world is filled with good fathers. And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives feel like good mothers (Shot of Tom comforting Lynette as she cries)

Mary Alice