Getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.

Peter

If there's one thing the new drinking age has done, it's to let us know that women tell terrible stories.

Tom Tucker

What do people do who don't drink?

Peter

I can get people to pay me 10 bucks just for doing stupid stuff?

Peter

Oh, yeah. Black guys put hot sauce on everything on account most of us have been pepper-sprayed by the time we're two.

Cleveland

Now all I need is a group photo of me kneeling in front of the village so I can brag about what a good person I am.

Peter

It's true. Even at the speed of light, mean-spirited thoughts from the stars can take thousands or even millions of years to reach the earth. Hamburger.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

Are you about done? I'm supposed to go lion hunting with a scumbag dentist.

Carter

Carter; Tear it all down. Now. Or I'm cancelling Kwanzaa.
Warlord: What is Kwanzaa?
Carter: Ha! I knew it wasn't real.

Carter: So that money's just been Josh Hartnetted?
Peter: What's that?
Carter: Gone, disappeared, never to be heard from again.

I got to email that to Babs. She hates people.

Carter

Not everyone can be as fascinating as you, Brian.

Stewie

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!