A huge part of being an idiot is calling people out for thinking they're better than you.

Peter

Peter: You want a beer?
Brian: Peter, it's 11 AM.
Peter: If the clock ain't digital, you don't know that!

Oh thank god Brian's getting a book published. I thought this was going to be a Meg episode.

Townsperson

Haha, Brian's stupid! I must alert the townsfolk!

Chris

She hasn't read your book Bri - that's your main character.

Stewie

That one's on the cover!

Stewie

That's page one, she's quoting page one.

Stewie

We now return to another Michael Jordan underwear commercial on a plane for some reason!

Announcer

Did someone say "jewish!?"

Neil

You're in high school sweetie, you should be more worried about your weight than your grades!

Lois

Stewie: Here. I'll quiz you. Who said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself"?
Chris: Scooby Doo
Stewie: No
Chris: Shaggy
Stewie: It's nobody on Scooby-Doo

Brian: What's on his arms?
Stewie: Those are waterwings. He was terrified of the water.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley