Peter: Well, I am off to try and get out of this conversation!
Lois: Peter, what did you do?
Peter: He was slightly inconveniencing me and Joe, so we threatened to destroy his family.

Peter: No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
Lois: But you hit it into the water.
Peter: I know I hit it into the water.
Lois: But why do they have water if you're not supposed to hit it there.
Peter: Because it's fun! We're having fun!

Shhh! The green shirt went by again! If it goes around 30 times in 5 minutes, you get to have a diet coke!

Lois

Peter: Alright, lets dope her up good -- get that mouth off her.
Cleveland: No Peter! The problem is you!

The new maid is peeing on me, and she didn't even say anything clever!

Stewie

Whew, I was damn near out of tweed.

Cleveland

I'm an idiot? All anyone remembers from your argument is that you're in a wheelchair!

Quagmire

Quagmire: Is your baby pregnant?
Peter: I dunno, Lois is in charge of the kids.

I feel like once I get them on a schedule, every thing will be fine!

Stewie

Brian: This one's bones feel all loose.
Stewie: I think this one's blind.

Jeez, that word looks a lot harsher when it's in all caps.

Quagmire

I caught two of them trying to eat each other, so that's something we need to watch out for.

Stewie

Family Guy Quotes

Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)