They have security guards in the bathroom. We live in such a culture of fear now.

Brian

Shut up, hat, that's my brother. They're not gonna mess with him. He's the man. He's got real Griffin beef in his trousers.

Stewie

Cleveland: Some things are my business. You don't tell me when you play with yourself.
Peter: If you check my Twitter feed, I wouldn't have to.

You know, this is great guys. Drinking and eating garbage. I'm glad we all took a mental health day.

Quagmire

Neil: Well, Chris, looks like another day of nobody joining us for lunch.
Chris: Yeah, we never should have let that blind girl touch our faces.

When I set my mind to something, anything's possible.

Peter

I've never seen a bulge in the front of a man's pants before.

Bonnie

Lois: Did you see that sweet new piece of ass, Dallas Portland?
Bonnie: Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask my index and middle finger.

I ate a dime once. It became a manhole cover for like three days, then pow!

Stewie

I know I'm a nerd, but I have a thing for rich guys.

Shelby

Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras.

Peter

Peter: Gretchen? Wow. You look great.
Gretchen: Yeah. I didn't have kids, so.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off

Stewie