Family Guy

Family Guy Quotes (Page 2)

Season 11 Episode 20: "Farmer Guy"

Lois: Peter, where'd you even get the money to make that kind of purchase?
Peter: I sold the house. And I did it on Craigslist, so now I have a dangerous friend!
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Peter, you went out and bought a farm without talking to me about it?
Peter: Well, Lois, in my defense, I have nothing to back up the first part of my sentence.
 • Rating: Unrated

Meg: They stole all my pens! I...I don't have a lot of stuff.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Oh my God! We've been burglarized!
Stewie: Well, we'll just have to get that $17 insurance check and start over.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Well, you guys, we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and then the rest of the place applauding them.
 • Rating: Unrated

Quagmire: What a surprise, the mugger's never heard of Truman Capote.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Look, I realize Quahog isn't the small town it used to be, but it's still very special to me. It's my home.
Stewie: Yeah, come on guys, she's got dyed roots in this community.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great.
Peter: You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: An increase in crime? That can't be right. I haven't noticed anything like that.
Stewie: You're in the house 14 hours a day, what would you notice?
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom Tucker: Just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'. I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it. So come and get some, punks.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 11 Episode 19: "Save the Clam"

Chris: I have an itch!
Meg: I don't care! Dead people don't scratch their balls!
 • Rating: Unrated

Tim Gunn: Joe, this is Tim Gunn. I agree with your friends.
Joe: I gotta get that guy out of my head.
 • Rating: Unrated

Police Negotiator: Alright, listen up in there. Let's not make this any harder than it has to be. We have a lot of dumb cops here.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: We're going nowhere! This bar belongs to us! Ice cream truck! [runs off]
Joe: You didn't get any ice cream?
Peter: The ice cream man was handsome and I got nervous!
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: [walks in with a leather jacket] Hey guys, what's going on? And no one says anything so they hate it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Meg: Alright Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
Peter: Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra, my boobs hurt when I go down the stairs!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: All the greatest moments of my life, I've spent right here in this booth. Maggie's first word, Bart jumping that canyon, Mr. Plow, all the greatest moments of my life.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Sorry, Amanda. By the law of 80's movies, a newly-trasnformed tomboy supersedes your long-standing hotness.
 • Rating: Unrated

Coroner: Meg, I'm needed upstairs, so I'll let you finish up. Just put some blush here and here, it makes the eyes look a little less dead and hollow.
Meg: Wow, that really works! Maybe I'll try that on myself!
Coroner: Oh, uh, you have what we call a 'closed casket' face.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: That was the start of the dark times. The banks took our bars, our businesses, and then our homes. A change had to be made. A change only one man could make. I am The Windmaker. And I shoot monkeys now.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

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