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Family-guy

Meg: In the last election, you voted for Mighty Mouse.
Peter: Time to put the might mouse in the White House.

Joe: I'll take smelling good over walking good any day.
Bonnie: You don't smell good, Joe.
Joe: I'm sorry, I thought I was alone.

Welcome all to James Woods High's annual college fair, where each year, our seniors gather to decide where they will go in the fall to get HPV.

Principal Shepherd

I'm gonna see which lobster I think deserves to die.

Chris

I tucked it between my legs as a joke and then it got stuck.

Chris

All I know about sex is from internet porn, so I'm very excited to try buffering.

Chris

Peter: Let me help you! I'm great at finding stuff. Last night, I found Lois's g-spot!
Lois: No, he didn't!
Peter: I didn't think she was home.

Lesbians have regular carpets, too, you pervs.

Peter

Wow, Chicago--the San Francisco treat.

Peter

I hate to sound like every woman ever, but I'm depressed.

Peter

Nothing like a day at the park, surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads.

Stewie

Peter: I had an affair and I think we should talk about it.
Lois: Peter, jamming yourself into a grapefruit is not an affair.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 1887 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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