They have security guards in the bathroom. We live in such a culture of fear now.


Shut up, hat, that's my brother. They're not gonna mess with him. He's the man. He's got real Griffin beef in his trousers.


Cleveland: Some things are my business. You don't tell me when you play with yourself.
Peter: If you check my Twitter feed, I wouldn't have to.

You know, this is great guys. Drinking and eating garbage. I'm glad we all took a mental health day.


Neil: Well, Chris, looks like another day of nobody joining us for lunch.
Chris: Yeah, we never should have let that blind girl touch our faces.

When I set my mind to something, anything's possible.


I've never seen a bulge in the front of a man's pants before.


Lois: Did you see that sweet new piece of ass, Dallas Portland?
Bonnie: Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask my index and middle finger.

I ate a dime once. It became a manhole cover for like three days, then pow!


I know I'm a nerd, but I have a thing for rich guys.


Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras.


Peter: Gretchen? Wow. You look great.
Gretchen: Yeah. I didn't have kids, so.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Stewie: Hey, you have a tattoo.
Brian: No I don't.
Stewie: Is that Ziggy? Is that a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: Aw, geez.
Stewie: Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: I just to used think he was kind of funny. We should get to the hospital.