They have security guards in the bathroom. We live in such a culture of fear now.

Brian

Shut up, hat, that's my brother. They're not gonna mess with him. He's the man. He's got real Griffin beef in his trousers.

Stewie

Cleveland: Some things are my business. You don't tell me when you play with yourself.
Peter: If you check my Twitter feed, I wouldn't have to.

You know, this is great guys. Drinking and eating garbage. I'm glad we all took a mental health day.

Quagmire

Neil: Well, Chris, looks like another day of nobody joining us for lunch.
Chris: Yeah, we never should have let that blind girl touch our faces.

When I set my mind to something, anything's possible.

Peter

I've never seen a bulge in the front of a man's pants before.

Bonnie

Lois: Did you see that sweet new piece of ass, Dallas Portland?
Bonnie: Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask my index and middle finger.

I ate a dime once. It became a manhole cover for like three days, then pow!

Stewie

I know I'm a nerd, but I have a thing for rich guys.

Shelby

Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras.

Peter

Peter: Gretchen? Wow. You look great.
Gretchen: Yeah. I didn't have kids, so.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley