Peter: Well, I am off to try and get out of this conversation!
Lois: Peter, what did you do?
Peter: He was slightly inconveniencing me and Joe, so we threatened to destroy his family.

Peter: No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
Lois: But you hit it into the water.
Peter: I know I hit it into the water.
Lois: But why do they have water if you're not supposed to hit it there.
Peter: Because it's fun! We're having fun!

Shhh! The green shirt went by again! If it goes around 30 times in 5 minutes, you get to have a diet coke!

Lois

Peter: Alright, lets dope her up good -- get that mouth off her.
Cleveland: No Peter! The problem is you!

The new maid is peeing on me, and she didn't even say anything clever!

Stewie

Whew, I was damn near out of tweed.

Cleveland

I'm an idiot? All anyone remembers from your argument is that you're in a wheelchair!

Quagmire

Quagmire: Is your baby pregnant?
Peter: I dunno, Lois is in charge of the kids.

I feel like once I get them on a schedule, every thing will be fine!

Stewie

Brian: This one's bones feel all loose.
Stewie: I think this one's blind.

Jeez, that word looks a lot harsher when it's in all caps.

Quagmire

I caught two of them trying to eat each other, so that's something we need to watch out for.

Stewie

Family Guy Quotes

[when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] Wait. Wait! Wait!! OHHHH!!! And boom goes the dynamite.

Cleveland

Mr. Washee-Washee: I no have your shirt.
Peter: You yes have my shirt!
Peter: Fine, I go. But this no over! I take picture of Ang Lee
Mr . Washee-Washee: Good! He do too many white people movie anyway!
You no come back ever! I don't like you American. And all you American look alike!