Peter: Well, I am off to try and get out of this conversation!
Lois: Peter, what did you do?
Peter: He was slightly inconveniencing me and Joe, so we threatened to destroy his family.

Peter: No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
Lois: But you hit it into the water.
Peter: I know I hit it into the water.
Lois: But why do they have water if you're not supposed to hit it there.
Peter: Because it's fun! We're having fun!

Shhh! The green shirt went by again! If it goes around 30 times in 5 minutes, you get to have a diet coke!

Lois

Peter: Alright, lets dope her up good -- get that mouth off her.
Cleveland: No Peter! The problem is you!

The new maid is peeing on me, and she didn't even say anything clever!

Stewie

Whew, I was damn near out of tweed.

Cleveland

I'm an idiot? All anyone remembers from your argument is that you're in a wheelchair!

Quagmire

Quagmire: Is your baby pregnant?
Peter: I dunno, Lois is in charge of the kids.

I feel like once I get them on a schedule, every thing will be fine!

Stewie

Brian: This one's bones feel all loose.
Stewie: I think this one's blind.

Jeez, that word looks a lot harsher when it's in all caps.

Quagmire

I caught two of them trying to eat each other, so that's something we need to watch out for.

Stewie

Family Guy Quotes

(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)

No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do?

Stewie