Family Guy

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Please, don't kill me, I'm not married! My life is awesome!

Bobby Briggs

There's an apartment above that Arby's, with toys in the window. Someone has built a life there. What a mess.


Quagmire: Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room? Isn't that a little bizarre?
Kevin Swanson: And then we the dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us.
Susie Swanson: [thinking in Patrick Stewart's voice] Today, I saw the moon!

No, Swanson, you're too close to the case! I'm putting Officers Grant and Casey on it, because they're so far from the case they don't care about it at all!

Police Chief

Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house, an event that will most likely be canceled in the future.

Tom Tucker

Peter: I like that you can tell me your stories starting at the Clam and end it on a ferris wheel.
Quagmire: Yeah, people are starving in Africa and I'm in a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night. Blessings. Blessings.

Joe: [in flashback] Easy, Briggs, you kill a cop, they'll put you away forever.
Bobby Briggs: Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife.
Joe: He meant Bonnie.

This is going to take us to the next level. We're going to be banging so many hot chicks with jeans up to their navels.

Bobby Briggs

Quagmire: Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch.
Joe: ...I lied.

A police spokesperson was quoted as saying "Duh, I'm a dumb cop, I like to give Tom Tucker a ticket." I was going like 41.

Tom Tucker
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