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Family-guy

Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!
Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!
(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)
Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!
Cleveland: What does that even mean?
Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.

Peter: Hey, Stewie, nice sunburn! (Slaps him on the back)
Stewie: Aaah, you horse's ass!

(Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa and Chris walks in telling them about the Bully)
Peter: Chris, you have to stand up for yourself, like my great-grandfather Turn-Of-The-Century-Take-On-All-Comers Griffin.
(Black and white scene of Peter's Great-grandfather in a boxing ring with a kangaroo)
Peter's Great-grandfather: (in a posh voice) Alright, put 'em up! Put 'em up! Are you having a Bully day? I'm having a bully day. Is everyone having a bully day?
Posh man in the crowd 1: Bully!
Posh man in the crowd 2: Bully!
Posh man in the crowd 3: Yes, Bully!
Peter's Great-grandfather: Oh, thank god we live in this time!

Brian: You're talking out of your ass!
Stewie: It doesn't matter Brian, I'm tan! Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian... Look at my tan walk!

Peter: Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.
(Flashback)
Young Peter: My book report is on The Giving Tree (A kid pulls down Peter's pants)
Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd!
(Class laughs at Peter)
Young Peter: (whining) Randy!
(Cut to hallway. Randy pulls Peter's pants down)
Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd!
Kids: (Come out of no where and start laughing)
Young Peter: (whining) Randy!
(Cut to urinal. Peter's at the urinal. Randy pulls Peter's pants up)
Randy: Nerd!
Peter: (whining) Randy!

(After Joe drives his ball onto the green) Peter: Hey Joe... Joe: Don't say it Peter. Peter: No. I was just wondering... Joe: Peter, I swear to God! Peter: What's your handicap? Joe: (yells while laughing) Every hole! That's a joke that doesn't get old!

Brian: Well, that's it for the list.
Stewie: Not quite Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. (Hands Brian a pencil and a pad of paper) Write down my final thoughts?
Brian: Oh, come on!
Stewie: (Softly) I don't have much time.
Brian: (sighs)
Stewie: Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid. I see you lurking there on the peripherie of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye? Oh, squiggly line, it's alright, you are forgiven.

(Stewie is standing in the mirror, peeling off his dead skin)
Brian: Ewww!
Stewie: Hey Brian, you want some Stewie jerky?

(Brian is teaching Stewie to ballroom dance)
Brian: If you're going to make me do this, at least let me lead.
Stewie: Okay, fine. (they move close together) I love you.
Brian: What?!
Stewie: Olive juice.
Brian: "Olive juice"?
Stewie: "Olive juice" you, too!

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