The stupidest thing I've ever done is turn the bubbles off in a hot tub.

Peter

Just let go of the rope, nobody has to get hurt Brian! Only one person has to get hurt Brian.

Peter

You didn't go to work today, did you?

Lois

Alright, but I'll be back in a moment as another movie thing.

Peter

Precious! Wants precious rope!

Peter

That's stupid! I want it.

Peter

What's the name? "Dick?" "Dick" would slide right into that "Glory" hole!

Brian

What! You can't just shove "Shaft" in the "Glory" hole!

Peter

What's gonna fill the "Glory" hole?

Peter

I was wrong to chose sexiness over my wife.

Peter

Mr. Giraffe who lets little boys grind on his rump. Or Mr. Octopus who, who let's little boys grind on his rump.

Peter

Lois: I don't even know what this is anymore!
Peter: It's a strip club that gives away free cookies.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley