This isn't a job for the meek, Brian. When you get in there -- you got to be hard.

Stewie

I brought construction paper and markers in case you guys wanted to draw breasts.

Joe

Peter, we have a hamper. Stop throwing your dirty clothes in the toilet.

Lois

Couch 1: I just had sex with a girl on her period.
Couch 2: Dude, that's not a brag.

I might need two weeks off from this friendship.

Quagmire

Don't you understand what drinking means to us workin' stiffs? It helps us forget about our day and tell our children we love them with a straight face.

Peter

We want that drinkin' law gone, and everybody knows the best way to get any law struck down is to get the gays angry about it.

Peter

I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I can always look back on my life and say I went for it.

Peter

Yeah. Now I'm gonna stick my raw pasta in ya.

Peter

Sitting here all sober is more boring than watching a pot boil.

Peter

Getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.

Peter

If there's one thing the new drinking age has done, it's to let us know that women tell terrible stories.

Tom Tucker

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley