This isn't a job for the meek, Brian. When you get in there -- you got to be hard.


I brought construction paper and markers in case you guys wanted to draw breasts.


Peter, we have a hamper. Stop throwing your dirty clothes in the toilet.


Couch 1: I just had sex with a girl on her period.
Couch 2: Dude, that's not a brag.

I might need two weeks off from this friendship.


Don't you understand what drinking means to us workin' stiffs? It helps us forget about our day and tell our children we love them with a straight face.


We want that drinkin' law gone, and everybody knows the best way to get any law struck down is to get the gays angry about it.


I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I can always look back on my life and say I went for it.


Yeah. Now I'm gonna stick my raw pasta in ya.


Sitting here all sober is more boring than watching a pot boil.


Getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.


If there's one thing the new drinking age has done, it's to let us know that women tell terrible stories.

Tom Tucker

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!