Family Guy

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes

Season 3 Episode 22: "When You Wish Upon a Weinstein"

Max: What do you want!?
Peter: Financial advice.
Max: ...wait...how'd you know I was an accountant?
Peter: Helllllooooooooooo, Max WEINSTEIN!!!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Lois, this is my new friend Max Weinstein! He's Jewish!
Lois: Ooooooooh, how exotic!
 • Rating: Unrated

Rabbi: Mr. Griffin, why does your son want to become Jewish?
Peter: I dunno...he's bi-curious
 • Rating: Unrated

Cleveland: You're the white version of a black guy that's not good with his money
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Max: Look sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. It just says "Valcano Insurance" over and over again... and down here in small print it says "He's signing it, He's signing it. I can't believe it."
 • Rating: Unrated

Cleveland: Peter, not all Jewish people are good with money.
Peter: Well, I guess not the retarded ones, but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgey", and then there's "offensive."
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 21: "Family Guy Viewer Mail #1"

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat
Chris: I want a new hat
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Hey, is the Count a Vampire?
Brian: What's that?
Peter: Well he's got these big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on em?
Brian: You're, you're asking me if they've ever done a Seseme Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance
Peter: Yeah
Brian: No, they've never done that
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Little Diane: Tom, you're so far in the closet, you're finding Christmas presents
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Peter: Why don't you two make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Little Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Little Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make that devils
 • Rating: Unrated

Doctor: Mayor West, you have Lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh My.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor: Well that's just silly.
Adam West: Silly, yes...idiotic...yes
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 20: "Road to Europe"

Cardinal: Pope! Time to get up and put your hat.
Pope: It's a stupid hat.
Cardinal: Pope!
Pope: Okay, okay. God!
[Goes into the bathroom, comes out, and drops his boxer shorts on the floor]
Cardinal: Pope, the floor is not a hamper.
Pope: Man!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

German Tour Guide: Besides its beautiful, historic architecture, Munich was the home of many great writers, such as Thomas Mann. You will find more on Germany's contribution to art in the pamphlets we've provided.
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet... I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian: Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: (screaming frantically) We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour Guide: No, no, he left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour Guide: I WILL HEAR NO MORE INSINUATIONS ABOUT THE GERMAN PEOPLE!! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!! (begins shouting in German)- SIE WERDEN SICH HINSETZEN, SIE WERDEN RUHIG SEIN, (raises his hand in Nazi salute) SIE WERDEN NICHT BELEIDIGEN DEUTSCHLAND!!!
(eveyone looks at him terrified)
Brian: (hesitantly) Uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour Guide: (cheerfully) Oh, yes! Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian: I'm stuck on a trans-atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. Could this get any worse?
Andy Rooney: You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't open them. Who are they trying to keep out of these?
Jerry Seinfeld: And what's the deal with the razor blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there?
Andy Dick: Hi, Andy Dick here. I just need to get my luggage into the overhead compartment here. [Items start falling out of the compartment] Whoa, that's whacky!
[Brian sighs]
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Lois, I'm packing for Kissstock and I can't find my favorite underwear!
Lois: You mean the one with the hole in the left butt cheek from you tore them pulling them up in the airplane bathroom when you had the trots?
Peter: No, the one with the hole in the right butt cheek from when I held it in during the extra-long sunday service mass because I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, and I let it go in the vestibule, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
Lois: Oh. Middle drawer!
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me?
Peter: Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.
 • Rating: Unrated

Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend five days following stupid old KISS around! It's painful!
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!
 • Rating: Unrated

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