Family Guy

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 3 Episode 17: "Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows"

Stewie: Ah-hah! So they do make bigger diapers. That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there: lazy, slothful, porcelain lay-about, feeding on other people's doo doos while contributing nothing of its own to society. You get a job!
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 16: "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"

Quagmire: Hey, maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, eh?
Peter: Oh thanks, the last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...oh you guys are asses!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Ahh crap, since when did they change the meaning of for to from?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card but it said for Peter on it, so you must have thought it was from you so you didn't uh.... you know it's just easier to call you stupid
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: What the hell did you do?
Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian: Well, y'know, it's a little warm in here...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian: It doesn't get much gayer than this
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that!
Peter: Fine, I'll kill your mother. When did Christmas have to get so complicated?
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious, the sailor. Then again, he was never meant to be funny
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Hick Child: Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box!
Buck: It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 15: "Ready, Willing, and Disabled"

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight, I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. Eh? You could be a desk
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of his father's friend's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit-
Joe: I get the message, Peter!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Joe: Hey Peter, this water tastes kind of funny.
Peter: What do you mean like "ha ha" Jerry Seinfeld funny, or Elaine Boosler "God bless her she's trying" funny?
 • Rating: Unrated

Meg: I'm sure the money clip will be safe in my room.
Stewie: I'm sure it will be lost throughout the pictures of Justin Timberlake or Tom Cruise or ... blast, who the devil do teenagers like ... or Morgan Freeman
 • Rating: Unrated

TV Announcer: We now return to Touched by an Angel.
Lawyer [holding up a doll]: Now where exactly did the angel touch you?
Boy [pointing to the crotch]: Here.
Angel: Oh come on, who are you going to believe? I've got a freakin' halo
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 14: "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?"

Peter: I got no idea how to be black ... y'know, except for not smiling when I get my picture taken
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chris: What's a library, dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

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