Family Guy

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 3 Episode 12: "To Love and Die in Dixie"

Employer: So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter [thinking]: Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife."
Peter: Doing your...[sees the employer's family picture] son?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Sam: I can't believe you're leavin'...
Chris: Me either. I'll be sure to write.
Sam: And I'll be sure to learn to read
 • Rating: Unrated

Criminal [on TV]: First I'm gonna bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
[Everyone gasps]
Stewie: Good Lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 11: "Emission Impossible"

Lois [at a drive through with Lois' sister in labor]: Peter, why have we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have 3 cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter, for God's sake! She's having a baby!
Peter: Oh, that's right, and a kid's meal
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!
Lois: Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favorite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie: Make any joke you want. You know I look good
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian: Insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter: That's what...
Brian: If you say "That's what she said" one more time, I swear I'm gonna pop you one
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Peter, why are you staring into the dryer?
Peter: I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See? Now those are Chris' socks, right? They don't know that Stewie's shirt is having an affair with Meg's trousers. It's fun to watch rich people be naughty!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Peter listen to me. My sister just called. Her baby's due any day now and Ted just walked out on her.
Peter: Woah! Woah! Back it up. You have a sister?
Lois: I promised her I'd be on the next train. Poor Carol. All alone in that big house.
Peter: Wait a minute. Carol. Is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table?
Lois: Yeah.
Peter: Yeah, better come with you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 10: "Fish Out of Water"

Auctioneer: We'll open this auction with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagemire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks!
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake [pointing to fat Peter]: What's that, daddy?
Tom Tucker: Why that's Mercury, Jake, the planet closest to the sun. Though what it's doing down here by the waterfront, I haven't the foggiest. We should probably ask a scientist...
Peter: I'm a guy, you jackass
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Hey, what the hell are you doing in my house?
New Owner: Your house? This is my house, my wife and I bought it from the bank.
Peter: But I've still got another day to pay back the loan.
New Owner: The bank said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat dead-beat loser.
Peter: Fat dead-beat loser? Well sir, while I may not agree with what you say I'll defend to the death your right to say it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Joe: I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first.
Cleveland: I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul.
Peter: I heard one of Shannon Doherty's eyes is off center because it's trying to escape
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 9: "Mr. Saturday Knight"

Stewie: How ya doin' there, Big Guy? You holdin' up okay? You wanna sooda? ...Ah, screw it, I tried
 • Rating: Unrated

Black Knight: You see kids your father is nothing but a fizzle!
Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today ... only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Peter: Hey, kids! Hey, you know what I do? I work at a toy factory and you know what I do there?
Boy: I bet you're just one of those low-level assembly-line guys who stands there all day screwing heads on dolls. "Ooh, is it on straight? I don't know." Boooo!
Peter: Why, you little snot-nosed...
Teacher: Mr. Griffin! He plays kickball in the park after school. Get him there
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and if you were cool with it, we would go from there, but this is a much better idea
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Are you training to be a jouster too?
Mort: Yes. I'm trying to overcome my terrible fear of swords. A man in a pirate costume stabbed me in the ear when I was nine, and again when I was thirty!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 8: "The Kiss Seen Around the World"

Peter [while videotaping a bag blowing a wind]: Look! It's dancing with me! It's like there's this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes, there's so much beauty in the world, it makes my heart burst.
God: It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.
Stewie: Oh let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn and turn, until, whoop, big shock, a jack pops out. And you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside
 • Rating: 2.5 / 5.0

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