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Family Guy Season 5 Quotes (Page 17)

Season 5 Episode 2: "Mother Tucker"

(Off screen, a girl catches a Hot Dog in her mouth)
Girl: That one felt like my Dad!
Jingle: Incest in the morning!
Deep-Voiced Announcer: Suppressed Memories!
• Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Thelma: I don't see what the problem is, Tom is a wonderful man.
Tom Tucker: I don't see the problem either, but let's go to Ollie Williams for the In-Depth Anylasis. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Lady's old!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie, back to you, Peter.
• Rating: Unrated

Peter: (to Tom Tucker, about Thelma) I can't believe this! You were messing around in what was basically my first apartment!
• Rating: Unrated

Jake Tucker: What's your problem?
Peter: Papa Tom's being a jerk.
Jake Tucker: At least he talks to you. He hasn't paid attention to me in weeks!
Peter: Well, all in all, I think you should be grateful. I heard the Kennedys had a kid like you once, and they had it put to sleep.
• Rating: Unrated

Announcer: And now back to "Round Table" with Al Michaels, Harold Ramis, Ray Romano, and Kermit the Frog.
Kermit: These Zoning Laws are infringing on the rights of...
Harold Ramis: Uh, if I might interrupt for a minute, I'd like to point out...
Al Michaels: You've had your time, let someone else speak.
Harold Ramis: I haven't said a word, it was that guy (points to Ray Romano).
Ray Romano: Don't look at me! I can't get a word in edgewise.
Kermit the Frog: Well then who the hell's been talking this whole time (they all begin to argue)?
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 1: "Stewie Loves Lois"

Brian: (teasing) Stewie loves Lois.
Stewie: Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.
Brian: Oh, yeah I do.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well gentlemen, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or butt's. I'm gonna be really anal about this.
(Pauses) Sphincter.
• Rating: Unrated

(Lois is entering the basement holding Stewie)
Stewie: I have so much fun when we hang out Lois, and I love your hair. We should make up a name for your hair color. We could call it like, like strawberry sunset, or ginger maiden. Or or or one of those hair color names thats a random noun, like temptress.
(Lois turns on the Washer)
Stewie: (gasps) Oooh oooh! At some point you have to let me braid it!
(Lois places Stewie into the washing machine)
Stewie: Lois, what are you doing!?
(Lois repeatedly slams the lid on Stewie, and then shuts it)
Stewie: (muffled) ahhhhhh!
(Suddenly, Lois wakes up from what was just a bad dream)
Lois: (Breathing heavily) Oh my god. Oh my god, what's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. (gasps) I'm just like Barbara Bush!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Shamus: If its gale force peein ya be doin, it could mean ya got barnacles on yer prostate. Best have sick bay check below yer decks.
Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Shamus: Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and your droppin' anchor without an order from the captain. (pauses) How are you liking all of these nautical puns?
Joe: Cute.
Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.
• Rating: Unrated

Stewie: I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.
(flashback to courtroom scene)
Prosecutor: Stewie, did Mr. Jackson behave inappropriately toward you?
Stewie: Well yes, but the worst part was he never called back.
(Courtroom erupts in laughter)
Stewie: No, but in all seriousness yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive.
• Rating: Unrated

Peter: I'm not gonna stand for this. Too many people get away with injustice. Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps.
(Cut to Kermit playing his banjo in the swamp as in The Muppet Movie. A black man rows by in a rowboat)
Black man: Excuse me, do you know how to get to town?
Kermit: (aggressively) Yeah, it's back the way you came. (draws a shotgun and cocks it)
• Rating: Unrated

Peter: (Yelling) What the hell was that?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.
Peter: (Yelling) Shut up, you had your finger in my ass!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: Oh God! Oh it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious...aahw, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt.
• Rating: Unrated

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian (trying to consol Peter): Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? (Turns it on)
Announcer: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered.
Peter: Oh, God. (Changes the channel to see E.T. pointing his glowing finger)
E.T.: Ouch.
Peter: Oh, God! (Changes the channel to see a Yellow Pages ad)
Announcer 2: Yellow Pages: Let your fingers do the walking. (Peter runs upstairs crying and passes Chris with a foam finger on)
Chris: Are we still going to the baseball game?
Peter: Get the hell away from me, Chris! (Continues running and crying, pans to see the Evil Monkey, doing his gesture to Peter) Stop it, Meg! (Runs away crying)
• Rating: Unrated

Lois: Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter: I...was...raped.
• Rating: Unrated

Peter: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to my fanny (Cries)
Cleavland: Peter it's okay.
Peter: No it's not okay, you don't know what it's like.
Cleavland: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
Peter: He did it to you too?
Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical slice guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig. With sexual experimentation.
Joe: You guys are a bunch of queers. (Joe rolls away, but then comes back) And so am I. Oh god, it was horrible. I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough.
• Rating: Unrated