Family Guy

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes (Page 16)

Season 5 Episode 3: "Hell Comes to Quahog"

Stewie: Spit on me.
(Brian spits on him)
Stewie: (sighs) That's nice. Now tell me I'm scum.
Brian: How will that cool you off?
Stewie: Hmmm?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Man Driving Hummer: (Watching "Madagascar") Dude, those animals are so f***ing funny! They make me want to merge without looking!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Brian: Well it seems everything worked out for the best, Meg.
Peter: (Blows rasberry)
Chris: Ha!Ha!Haa! Meg!
Peter: (Blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (Blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (Rasberry noise without him sticking out his tongue) ...Pardon me. (gets up and walk away)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(After running over Joe with the tank)
Peter: Joe, my god what happened?
Joe: You just ran over me you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it!
Peter: Heheheh look at you, you look like a half-empty toothpaste.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Joe: OH YES!!! I slam it, you can suck it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Who's sober enough to drive?
(No one answers.)
Peter: Ok, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk, you know the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyways because, I mean come on, you got to get your car home, right? I mean what do they expect me do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter: (Throws keys to Cleveland) Shotgun!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Joe: Oh wow. Wow, if I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public, just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

(Pepperidge farms commercial)
Guy in Commercial: Remember those sweet, warm New England summers? Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers, but Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge. Maybe you go out and buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies, maybe this whole thing disappears.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: So how was work today, Meg?
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Lois: Peter, you lost your job because of the superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says 'Meg.'
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Brian: So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: (laughs) Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberries)
Chris: (whispers) Meg!
Peter: (blows silent raspberry)
Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family that has a job!
Peter: (whispers something in Brian's ear)
Brian: (chuckles) Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
Meg: (to Brian) What did he just say to you?!
Brian: Nothing. It's like-- There was-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.
Peter: (blows raspberry)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Meg, people have always found ways to get around without a car.
Look at Iceman.
Iceman's wife: Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night?
Iceman: Uh, just over to Tom's house. Played some poker,
had some brewskies, you know.
Iceman's wife: Really? Then would you mind explaining that?
(The camera turns to a trail of ice leading to a gay club)
Iceman: At least they know how to touch a man.
 • Rating: Unrated

Quagmire:(Quagmire is standing behind a woman that has a nice back) Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates?
(Woman turns around and we see a woman who is overweight from the front)
Woman: Sure!
Quagmire: Never mind. Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
Woman: You jerk!
(Woman turns around giving Quagmire her back)
Quagmire: Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Okay Lois, you can open your eyes now!
Lois: (sees the tank) Boccie balls!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 2: "Mother Tucker"

Peter: Lois, you're too nosy. Like that waiter at that restaurant.
(flashback)
Waiter: And who had the prime rib?
Peter: I hardly think that's any of your business.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chris: I wanna get a milkshake too.
Peter: Too bad. Go get your own father.
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom Tucker: Hey champ. Do you want to see Chicken Little?
Peter: Hahaha. Yeah!
Tom Tucker: And what does a chicken say?
Peter: MOOOO!
Tom Tucker: Hahaha, why not.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: I can't believe you left dad.
Thelma: I have needs that he didn't satisfy, and I'm still a young woman Peter. 82 is the new 74. I'm putting my fine ass back on the market.
Peter: Boy, this is really gonna upset my evil brother Thaddeus.
Thaddeus: (dressed and talks like Snidely Whiplash) Nya! This will surely affect my inheritance. Nya!
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom Tucker: Can I get you some punch?
Thelma: Oh no, see, if you're one of ten million americans like me...
(cuts to a man in a chair)
Man: Like me.
(cuts to a woman on a tennis court)
Woman: Like me.
(cuts back to the community center)
Thelma: ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you.
(Quagmire comes in)
Quagmire: Ewwwwwww!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.
Chris: Hey, dad, do you want to play baseball?
Peter: Oh my God, could you leave me alone?! You are the neediest kid!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: (Watching airplanes flying at the airshow) Oh this so exciting! Maybe we'll get lucky and see another crash this year.
 • Rating: Unrated

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