Family Guy Season 5 Quotes
Asian Santa: (really fast) What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Stewie: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa: (really fast) Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
(throws Stewie and an Asian kid comes) What you want?
Asian Kid: (really fast) Fire truck!
Asian Santa: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa: Next. (throws kid)
- Permalink: What you want? What you want for Christmas? Um, I was thinking...
(Camera cuts to Quagmire and three girls)
Quagmire: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper. So the guy orders a grasshopper. Then, he's walkin' home, and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper says "You mean there's a drink named Irving?"
(Quagmire and the girls all laugh)
Quagmire: So which one of you wants to lose your virginity?
- Permalink: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and ...
Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So... less...? more...? Too many...? Not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm going to be 17, you jerks!
(Meg leaves her room)
Peter: She's the jerk.
- Permalink: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does t...
Brian:( singing) Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name...
Stewie: Who sings that song?
Brian: James Taylor.
Stewie: Yeah, let's keep it that way.
- Permalink: Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name... Who sings ...
Herbert: Hey there Chris.
Chris: Hi mister Herbert!
Herbert: Sellin' yer old Hand-me-downs?
Herbert: Ya got anything that ya used to wear in the summer time?
Chris: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus.
- Permalink: Hey there Chris. Hi mister Herbert! Sellin' yer old Hand-me-...
Peter: Holy Crap! Evil Knievil gloves! I bet I could do a wheelie with these! (to Brian) How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five fifty! Ten! Sold! Sucker, I would have gone to fifteen easy. (Proudly) I am so stupid.
- Permalink: Holy Crap! Evil Knievil gloves! I bet I could do a wheelie with ...
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.Peter
- Permalink: Now if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.
Theme to My Black Son
(sung)This time around,
I'm stayin' at home,
And things are gonna get better.
Lovin' My Wife,
But then I got that letter.
My black son, My black son,
Now each day my heart is gettin' bigger!
Don't even remember sleepin' with that lady but I did.
My black son, He's comin' to stay.
My black son, He's makin' each day
The best that he can!
(spoken) Also, he's a ninja.
- Permalink: Theme to My Black Son This time around, I'm stayin' at home, ...
Lois: Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're going to get hurt.
Peter: Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job.
Lois: Peter, I don't work at Burger...
Peter: I don't work at Burgagagagagaga, I'm busy.
- Permalink: Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're going to get hurt...
Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. (picks up a gorilla) Hey, this one's cute, huh? (reads label) And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't they kill one, wow, these guys are really playing hardball.
- Permalink: Why have you brought me to the toy store Brian? I'm buying you...
Joe: I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbags, so rape.
- Permalink: I'm here to revoke your driver's license. What? Why? We got ...
Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck. (silence) Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck."
Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please."
Brian and Stewie: (simultaneously) Please follow that truck.
- Permalink: Can I help you, gentlemen? Follow that truck. Didn't you hea...
Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)
- Permalink: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy!...
Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.Meg
- Permalink: Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfrie...