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Family-guy

Peter: (on couch) Hey Meg, come here, have a seat. (Meg sits down then Peter yawns and puts his arm over Meg)
Meg: Dad? What are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40. (Meg screams and runs away) Meg come back here! I meant sex!

Peter: Besides, Quagmire don't even have a job.
Lois: Well you're going to have to help him find one because I'd have enough of him living in this house.
Peter: Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl.

(whispers) Didn't mean to wake ya. (Quagmire's foot slowly leaves.)

</i> Quagmire

Chris: (Runs into the room screaming.) Ahhhhh! Mom! Dad! There's somebody in my tree-house!
Lois: Yeah and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
Little Homo: I'll remind you that I was invited here!

Cleveland: So how's the job hunt going?
Peter: It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Quagmire: It's too bad, I really liked that job working on the Starship Enterprise. (Flashback to Quagmire on Starship Enterprise. He walks to Captain Kirk and whispers.) Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.

Tom Tucker: Channel 5 has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit.
Peter: (From recording) Uh, hello, ground people? Uh, we, we got a little problem up here. Uh, we need some help or we're gonna crash... So, uh, that being the case, um... is it cool if I shut off "Last Holiday?" It seems unfair that the last thing these people might see is a mediocre comedy featuring Queen Latifah on skis. (Laughing) Cleveland look, she just fell over! She can't stand up on those things.

Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!
Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.
Airport Clerk: (gasp)
Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?

Plane Crew Guy #1: Sir, we have a confirmed crash, Flight 37 is down.
Plane Crew Guy #2: Well, we better alert the Mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op.
(Cuts to an elementary school)
Adam West: My Pet Goat. Page One. You know said my pet goat, I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time. (Government official comes in and whispers to Adam West and leaves. A long moment of silence occurs.) You should make the time said the farmer.

Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair. (Kid starts kicking the back of the chair.) Thank you.

Herbert
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