Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

Pilot: Welcome to Ireland, we'll be landing in 5 minutes.
Peter: This is quite a country, Brian. You know Ireland has more drunks per capita than people.
Brian: Oh that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.
(Plane lands on runway covered entirely in empty beer bottles)

Micky McFinnegan: As we say in Ireland: Let us drink until the alcohol in our systems destroys our livers and kills us.

Top of the mornin' laddies. Let me cut ya an Irish Rose (Farts, and then Starts hitting his hand on the table while laughing)

Mickey McFinnegan

All I know is that in Ireland there is a fat bastard who looks just like me.

Peter

Meg: Be careful daddy. I love you.
Peter: That'll do pig. That'll do.

Peter: Ah man, I hate kids birthday parities. This is going to be worst then that time I was stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport
Airport Employee: May I have your name please?
Robert Loggia: Robert Loggia
Airport Employee: Can you spell that for me?
Robert Loggia: Certainly, that's Robert Loggia
R as in Robert Loggia
O as in oh my God! It's Robert Loggia
B as in By god that's Robert Loggia
E as in everyone loves Robert Loggia
R as in Robert Loggia
T as in Tim look over there it's Robert Loggia
SPACE
L as in look it's Robert Loggia
Peter: (sighs)

"Drunken Irish Dad":
Peter: Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring.
And he never taught me anything.
But still, I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad.
Oh, his face looks like a railroad map
And he never shuts his freakin' trap.
Mickey: But all the ladies catch the Clap from your drunken Irish dad!
Peter: Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morris, and Chaunacy, Riven, and Rudy, they'll tell you the same.
McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter, and Clooney all feel the same mixture of pride and of shame.
Mickey: Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly, and Flanagan look to the ground when their dad passes by.
Hafferty, Rafferty, Joyce, and O'Lafferty fight for his honor and then start to cry!
Both: Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm
And our moods infect us like a germ,
Because we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm!
Mickey: And we don't tan well either.
Both: From our drunken Irish dad!

(after Peter beats his dad at drinking)
Mickey: My God, nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink.
Peter: Now do you believe that you're my dad?
Mickey: Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle that much of the creature. You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh all right.

Lois: You really gotta stop misbehaving, you're gettin on mommy's nerves.
Stewie: Well, you know what will ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch.
Lois: (sighs) It's all right, I'll get some Windex.
Stewie: Come on, discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eyes, violate me with a wine bottle, my god I really have problems don't I?

(After Lois spanks Stewie)
Stewie: I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car.
1st Thug: She is messed up man.
Stewie: Shut up! Just Shut up! Let me (bleep) think!...Push her out!
2nd Thug: We can't leave her alone.
Stewie: Push the bitch out!

Lois: Should we just ask how old she is?
Peter: That'd be kinda awkward, huh? Hey, may be we should just cut off her leg and count the rings?

Lois: Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian: It is a tragedy.
Lois: Excuse us.
Brian: Yeah, we'll be right back.
(Lois and Brian are in front of the house celebrating, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and Lois punches him, then they return.)
Lois: We're all going to miss him.
Brian: Tragic.

Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 338 in total

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

(Gregory Peck and his kids are riding in the car, his kids look and talk exactly like him)
Son #1: Are we there yet?
Son #2: It's crowded back here!
Son #3: Stop touching me!
Son #2: Your leg is rubbing up against mine!
Gregory Peck: Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
Son #1: Stop breathing on the window!
Son #2: You idiot! That's condensation, it's on the outside.
Gregory Peck: That's it! I will come back there and so help me god, I will hit you with my ring-hand.