Friends Season 2 Episode 3: "The One Where Heckles Dies" Quotes
Alison: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted?"
Chandler: Sure. (Thinking) My God, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it. Quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser... big head, big head, big head!
Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Phoebe
Rachel: You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
Monica: Mmmm.
Rachel: Okay, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.
Mr. Boyle: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine."
Monica: Well, what about his family?
Mr. Boyle: He didn't have any.
Rachel: Okay, so let's talk money.
Mr. Boyle: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.
Monica: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?
(After seeing the mess in his apartment) Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!
Rachel: (About Mr. Heckles passing away) How did this happen?
Mr. Treeger: He must've been sweeping. They found a broom in his hand.
Monica: That's terrible.
Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweeping yesterday. It could've been me.
Ross: Sure, sweeping. You never know.
Joey: When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
Chandler: (To Ross) You or me?
Ross: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: You guys are messing with me, right?
Everyone: Yeah.
Ross: Pheebs, you see how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
(To Phoebe) One plus one equals two. I can't just stand by and let you think that one plus one might equal three or four or yellow!
Ross
Phoebe: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
Ross: What? Okay, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase, I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
Phoebe: Okay, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, okay? I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.
Ross: What? It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, okay? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And up until, like, what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this, like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.
Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? (Ross leaves upset) Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
(To Monica) What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?
Rachel
Chandler: I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.
Rachel: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.
Monica: You're not a freak, you're a guy.
Joey: (Joey reads Mr Heckles' book) Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.
Chandler: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate brings home dry-cleaning.
