How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother

Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college

Ted

Victoria: Well boyfriends, I've only had 2.
Robin: Prude alert!
Victoria: Well, that's serious boyfriends, I've dated other guys in between.
Robin: Slut alert!

Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today

Barney

Lily: You ralphed and ran?
Marshall: I thought you were vomit free since 93. So that was a lie.
Robin: You re-returned for me. That's really sweet, though you kinda ruined my customized Scherbatsky doormat

Hi, leg warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on... So, nothing for him to stand on? Ok, thanks so much

Barney [making a fake phone call]

Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life

Barney

My life rocks! Money, suits, and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat's poopy diaper but instead I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7/365! You let me dodge a bullet, big guy

Barney

Victoria, that was an honest and mature answer. You may advance to the Gumdrop Mountains

Marshall

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: ... Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great...
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!

Marshall: Well, we have the whole place to ourselves...
Lily: I'm thinking...floor sex!
Marshall: Sounds reasonable

We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, that those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up being

Future Ted

Backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the gammon, and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs

Marshall
Displaying quotes 61 - 72 of 296 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references

× Close Ad