How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother

Barney: Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Re-return. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!
Marshall: I think Barney just won game night

Come on, Ted can't be pregnant... you need to have sex to get pregnant

Robin

I need a drink, do we have any cough syrup in here?

Lily

[playing laser tag...]
Barney: Don't be a hero, Sherbatsky!
Robin: See you on the other side.
Both: Yaahhhhh! Charging!
[Both got shot]
Barney: Damn, wanna get a soft pretzel?
Robin: Sure

Lily: Baby, I need to do something and I can't do it in front of you. It will change the nature of our relationship.
Marshall: What is it?
Lily: I need to pee

[Barney is stripping down...]
Robin: What the hell are you doing?
Barney: I'm birthday suiting up!

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old

Barney

Robin: Well, it looks like it's gonna be just you and me.
Barney: Really?
Robin: Actually, I was talking to my martini

Future Ted: When you meet someone special, suddenly life's full of firsts: the first kiss, the first night together, the first weekend together. For me, all those firsts happened within 48 hours of meeting Victoria.

Robin: No. I thought we're just hanging out as friends.
Barney: Oh, come on. You've been throwing yourself at me all night.
Robin: What? I did the opposite, I threw some other girl at you.
Barney: You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship. Is that not an international recognized term for sex?

Ted: I had the most amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down."
Lily: Yea I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."

A drum roll?! That's it? So what you just said good night, came home and performed a drum solo?

Marshall
Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 296 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway

Future Ted
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