Sexy people go crazy too you know. Read a people magazine.

Haley

C'mon Jay this is my farewell tour Trick-or-Treating in the neighborhood, I have to go out strong.

Manny

Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

People say clothes make the man but that makes no sense. What makes the man is a nice head of hair. Dammit it's like a phantom limb.

Jay

Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

You do this every time. You go as a princess, I have to go as some freak. You're a beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce, I'm...that guy.

Jay [to Gloria]

Cam: It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super out of breath.
Cam: Happy Halloween to you too.

I'm kind of in a delicate spot stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.

Phil

Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.

Phil

Ok keep in mind, I'm not in makeup yet, but do these sandals make my legs look thick? Because I can lower the hem.

Manny

Earl: I banged your ex wife!
Jay: If you banged Dede, I DO owe you an apology!

That's right, my boy's datin' her. He's datin' her real good.

Jay

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell