Alex: I know all you had to do to get into their college was like their Facebook page, but this is Princeton. I have to show them that I'm a serious thinker. And you could be a bit more supportive.
Haley: You're right I'm sorry. Your outfit's perfect.
Alex: Thanks.
Haley: If you're applying to lumberjack school. And majoring in having your cats eat you when you die.

Mitchell: Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
Jay: You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.
Mitchell: I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp. I spent the week in mid-faint.

Manny: You know now that I think about it, I could be allergic to Stella. I've been a little stuff since we got her.
Jay: You were stuffy long before that. Do you not remember scolding that waiter at Chuck E Cheese for serving you from the right.

Gloria: He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
Jay: What? The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles.

Coming up with a lie like that in the moment? That girl is no clown, she's gonna be a lawyer.

Mitchell

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Haley [smells pot]: Hey! Smells like a party!
Claire: Back inside.
Haley: Ok.

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

Cam: I present to you the Asian for any occassion, the clown that will invert that frown, the dynamic duo of Fizbo and...
Lily: Lizbo!
Mitchell: Are you not hearing that?
Cam: We're working on the name.

What have I said about sneaking up on me? I could've been shaving. This could've been a Sweeney Todd moment.

Mitchell

He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Jay [about Joe]

Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.

Manny