Haley: I hope I can be as cool as you guys in 30 years.
Gloria: Does she think we're fifty?
Mitch: No, she's just really bad at math.

The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.


You're not going to drive me into a bad neighborhood to show me how lucky I am, are you?


I knew we should have poured the tequila in your belly button. That's why they have these systems in place.


If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!


You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!


I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a coma.


You're obviously going to get into one of those snooty schools, and sometimes you're gonna come in second. Or fourth. Or maybe even tenth. But you're gonna dust yourself off, maybe put on some lipstick for once, and keep going.


[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.


Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

That is literally the nicest gesture I have ever witnessed. And I'm from Canada.


Wait, does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke?


Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.