Claire: I asked you to clean up the kitchen nine hours ago when I left for work. I come back and it's the exact same mess PLUS pickles and peanut butter.
Haley: I was running around doing stuff for my crazy boss all day, and then I got hungry, and then the smell from the garbage almost made me throw up!

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Claire: You've never stolen anything before?
Phil: Only my entire high school production of The Wiz.

Lot of attitude from a guy whose date is a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe. You're spending Valentine's Day in a Cathy comic.

Jay [to Manny]

As loud as these 2 are, they move like cats.


Obviously there were 2 gifts wrapped similarly and my eyes were a little watery from the thick fog of vapor rub back there.


It was pretty pricey, but they're judgey so we knew the'd love it.


Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.


I'm gonna miss that Juliana. That woman knows where the bodies are buried.


Phil: Happy Valentine's Day by the way.
Claire: Ew no, I'm gross and sweaty from running.

Whats next you're gonna dress her in fishnets? Put her in a window in Amsterdam? Just keep it casual!

Jay [about Stella]

This is a place of business. She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce houses.


Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me