What have I said about sneaking up on me? I could've been shaving. This could've been a Sweeney Todd moment.


He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Jay [about Joe]

Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.


Usually when everything's normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.


This was a huge mistake. I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter. It's spring break '92 all over again!


Cam: It was right about then that a question started nagging at me: "Is Phil sexy?"

Life's too short to be ruled by fear. What do you say we get you the right dryer princess?

Phil [to Cam]

It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started out with a whipped cream smile on my waffle.


The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.


Can you not make this fear worse? I watched Dede coddle Mitchell when he was afraid of the dark. Until he was 7 he would only blink one eye at a time. It gave a lot girls the wrong impression.


Jay: I thought your phone was stolen.
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

Lesson learned- when pressure builds to dangerous levels, it must be released.


Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.