It's an obsessive-compulsive thing. I have read like a hundred articles about it.

Claire

I called the florist and order one dozen Mylar balloons. Good luck staying mad, honey!

Phil

I think we should drag him out of his car and punch him in the stomach until he barfs.

Luke

You are living in a little girl's toy and you have to move out!

Cam [to Barry]

I once saw a picture of myself at a friend's poetry slam, and all you could see were the whites of my eyes.

Mitchell

Oh yeah, everybody loves Michael Jordan, but nobody thinks of Scottie Pippin. The only reason I remember him is because he's named after my favorite musical.

Phil

There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Jay [to Gloria]

Two thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

Jay [on Gloria and Manny's lack of bike-riding skills]

Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.

Jay

Luke, I am your father. That's what I said to you when you were coming out of your mom's lady parts.

Phil

Phil: She has to run everyday or she goes crazy, she's like a Border Collie.
Claire: Did you just compare me to a dog?!?
Phil: The smartest in the world!

Cam: There's a stranger in our hot tub.
Mitchell: Who is it?
Cam: You do know what stranger means, don't you?

Modern Family Season 2 Quotes

Haley: Dad, that was a stop sign.
Phil: I'll stop twice on the way back.

Glen Whipple. My college rival. Captain of the cheer squad. Winner of every robot battle. Every second I spent with the guy just made me feel worse about myself. Only thing I could compete with him in was close-up magic.

Phil