Fred: Uh, Special Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: What, Fred?
Fred: I have a problem. Uh, Anthony DiNozzo, Sr. is not only staying in a $1,500-a-night suite, he's also running up a huge tab. Spa treatment, manicure, room service, French champagne, and I just got a call, he's ordered a limousine for tonight.
Gibbs: Guess you haven't got the bill for the flowers yet?

(to McGee) This is surreal. I feel like I'm in a James Bond movie directed by Fellini. On a stakeout, watching my father and Ziva go undercover, while you munch on a Nutter Butter.

Tony

Admiral Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?
Gibbs: She is a weapon.

(Abby is in the morgue, talking to Lieutenant Thorson's corpse)
Abby: So... I just-I want you to know that... whatever it is... that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.
Ducky: Careful, sometimes they talk back.

Ziva: What's wrong? Are you having second thoughts about the role you're going to play?
Tony: She wants me to dress up like... No, I can't. It's sacrilege. I'm gonna have to end it.
Ziva: Oh, come on, Tony, it's only been two days. It's too short - even for you.
Tony: Trust me, Ziva, there's some things a man should never do.
Ziva: We're not talking about a man here, we're talking about you.

McGee: Who's the lucky little vixen, Tony?
Tony: Adult relationship stuff, McTween. You wouldn't understand.
Ziva: (sarcastically) Adult relationship? You?

McGee: I've already counted three security cameras inside. Should be able to get whoever was in here on playback.
Tony: If somebody was in here.
McGee: I sense skepticism, Tony.
Tony: Well, you sensed right, Dr. Phil.

Stillwell: (on a video email message) You ungrateful bitch. You're not goin' anywhere. And if you do leave me, I will make your life hell!
Tony: Wow! Mel Gibson much?

Tony: Maybe Alice took a few too many pills in Wonderland. (shakes several prescription pill containers)
Abby: Hey, bite your tongue. Respect, please.
Tony: Sorry, Abbs, I just think we need to consider the possibility that Lieutenant Thorson's paranoia was... "imagined."
Abby: Her hard drive's been erased.
Tony: Is that a euphemism?
Abby: They used a remote device to erase the hard drive. I don't think that is imagined.

Abby: Gibbs! Trying to give me heart palpitations?
Gibbs: No. What've you got, Abbs?
Abby: Heart palpitations.

[to Ziva] Think about it. First you had your little Miami vice, now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking Israeli love machine.

Tony

Vance: Agent David, have you ever been to Zurich?
Ziva: Several times.
Vance: Good. Today you're Switzerland. Between England and the U.S.

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

McGee: Rule number 70 - keep digging till you hit bottom.
Abby: McGee! There is no rule 70.
McGee: Well, I--
Abby: You just made up a rule. This McGibbs thing has really gone to your head. I don't even recognize you right now.