Doug: Stop talking to me like that.
Tony: Stop lying to me like that.

That is why it is called a batnap.


Butt out McGee. Butt off my desk, Borin.


We've gone from Socrates to Snooki.


Gibbs: Facebook. That's that thing that some people... do stuff with?
Ducky: The term is social networking.

McGee: The last time you did my expense report for me, you reclassified my meals as 'livestock feed'!
Tony: Well, that was childish.
McGee: I was audited!
Tony: Well, that makes us even.

Abby: I've had problems with visitors, so he [McGee] was just being overprotective.
Neisler: Protective of what, your butt? He couldn't stop checking it out when your back was turned.
Abby: Really?
Neisler: But I can see why you'd want to keep things casual.
Abby: Why is that?
Neisler: What if he's 'the one'? You're obviously married to your work, it's too soon to meet 'the one'.
Abby: We're done. (To Gibbs) Gibbs, can you make him go away, please?

Tony: Maybe instead of having a midlife crisis, I'm having a midlife crazy.
Ziva: Look, you are not crazy. You are just... growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grow older, because the stakes are higher. You need to find balance! Yes, yes, yes, you need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters... of the heart. But you need to be who you are.
Tony: And who am I?
Ziva: You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. And that is why we love you.

Tony: Agent McGee, probationary agent to be good morning.
Ziva: Looks like Tony.
McGee: Doesn't sound like him.

McGee: Hey, where is Boss, anyway?
Malachi: He's in Interrogation.
Liat: With Director David.
Tony: Oh! This is like Clash of the Titans. We should be there.
Ziva: It's a closed show.

Agent Sharp: It's like herding cats, huh, Agent McGee?
McGee: I don't like it at all, Agent Sharp. I've got a dozen other retired agents. I have Branch, I've got Morrow, I've got Nedrow. I have more directors than the front row of the Oscars.

McGee: I've got alerts at the train stations, bus stations, local LEOs up and down the coast as well as any and all hardware shipments, commercial or military. I have hung a net.
Ziva: I do not know who Annette is, or why you are so proud of killing her.
McGee: No, what I mean is, if they make a move, we're gonna know about it.

NCIS Quotes

Tony: One other question, I know you're an expert in English history. And I was just wondering, have you ever heard of Archibald Drummond, the 17th Earl of Trent?
Ducky: The Earl of Trent. No, I can't say I have. Why?
Tony: I was just wondering. Thanks.

By the way, Gibbs. I like the new look.