Fred: Uh, Special Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: What, Fred?
Fred: I have a problem. Uh, Anthony DiNozzo, Sr. is not only staying in a $1,500-a-night suite, he's also running up a huge tab. Spa treatment, manicure, room service, French champagne, and I just got a call, he's ordered a limousine for tonight.
Gibbs: Guess you haven't got the bill for the flowers yet?

(to McGee) This is surreal. I feel like I'm in a James Bond movie directed by Fellini. On a stakeout, watching my father and Ziva go undercover, while you munch on a Nutter Butter.

Tony

Admiral Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?
Gibbs: She is a weapon.

(Abby is in the morgue, talking to Lieutenant Thorson's corpse)
Abby: So... I just-I want you to know that... whatever it is... that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.
Ducky: Careful, sometimes they talk back.

Ziva: What's wrong? Are you having second thoughts about the role you're going to play?
Tony: She wants me to dress up like... No, I can't. It's sacrilege. I'm gonna have to end it.
Ziva: Oh, come on, Tony, it's only been two days. It's too short - even for you.
Tony: Trust me, Ziva, there's some things a man should never do.
Ziva: We're not talking about a man here, we're talking about you.

McGee: Who's the lucky little vixen, Tony?
Tony: Adult relationship stuff, McTween. You wouldn't understand.
Ziva: (sarcastically) Adult relationship? You?

McGee: I've already counted three security cameras inside. Should be able to get whoever was in here on playback.
Tony: If somebody was in here.
McGee: I sense skepticism, Tony.
Tony: Well, you sensed right, Dr. Phil.

Stillwell: (on a video email message) You ungrateful bitch. You're not goin' anywhere. And if you do leave me, I will make your life hell!
Tony: Wow! Mel Gibson much?

Tony: Maybe Alice took a few too many pills in Wonderland. (shakes several prescription pill containers)
Abby: Hey, bite your tongue. Respect, please.
Tony: Sorry, Abbs, I just think we need to consider the possibility that Lieutenant Thorson's paranoia was... "imagined."
Abby: Her hard drive's been erased.
Tony: Is that a euphemism?
Abby: They used a remote device to erase the hard drive. I don't think that is imagined.

Abby: Gibbs! Trying to give me heart palpitations?
Gibbs: No. What've you got, Abbs?
Abby: Heart palpitations.

[to Ziva] Think about it. First you had your little Miami vice, now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking Israeli love machine.

Tony

Vance: Agent David, have you ever been to Zurich?
Ziva: Several times.
Vance: Good. Today you're Switzerland. Between England and the U.S.

NCIS Quotes

[voiceover] Anyone can achieve their fullest potential, who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed but, it can be challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.

McGee

Abby: It's okay. Breena's fine. Breathe. Good. Now hurry up and get to the hospital because Breena is in labor.
McGee: Jimmy? Did you hear what she said? She just said Breena's having a baby. I think you broke him.