Jerry: I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew, is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

Yeah we got the moon. What are you going to do without tides, Peru?

Leslie

Andy: There's an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read, which makes them very dangerous.

Leslie

Andy: Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you. They have the most insane burritos.
Ron: I don't much go for ethnic food.
Andy: No no no. Trust me. They have one that's called the meat tornado. Literally killed a guy last year.
Ron: You had me at meat tornado.

It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teet until they have sore, chapped nipples. I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.

Ron

Leslie: Do you need to get that?
Ann: No, it's just penises.

Where's all the faces of the presidents?

Andy

Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly. What if instead of tic tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.
Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me. Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literaly woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.

One time when I was in high school a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time when I was on a date and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and then the guy said he wasn't feeling it, so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for awhile, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers. And then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.

Leslie

Jean-Ralphio: This party sucks. Let's get out of here.
April: It's my birthday party.
Jean-Ralphio: It is?
April: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: Sorry, boo.

You know what's thirsty? You know what's weird? How thirsty I get when I'm weird. When I'm drunk.

Leslie

Parks & Rec Quotes

I may not have won, but at least I didn't make any new friendships.

April [about the beauty pageant]

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April