Zerts are what I call deserts, tray trays are what I call entrees, sandwiches are sammies, sandoozles or Adam Sandlers, air conditioners are cool blaterz with a "z" ... I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies, I call noodles long ass rice, fried chicken is fry fry chicky chick, chicken parmesan is chicky chicky parm parm, chicken caciatore is chicky catch, I call eggs pre-birds or future birds, root beer is super water, tortillas are bean blankets, and I call forks... food rakes!

Tom

Andy recently diagnosed himself with what he calls Shoeshine Head. It's when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain. Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers and napping on the floor.

April

Oh, Andy. You're fine, but you're simple

Donna

Andy: Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you. They have the most insane burritos.
Ron: I don't much go for ethnic food.
Andy: No no no. Trust me. They have one that's called the meat tornado. Literally killed a guy last year.
Ron: You had me at meat tornado.

Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly. What if instead of tic tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.
Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me. Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literaly woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.

Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.

Ron

Leslie: Do you need to get that?
Ann: No, it's just penises.

Yeah we got the moon. What are you going to do without tides, Peru?

Leslie

Jerry: I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew, is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now.

Andy

Jean-Ralphio: This party sucks. Let's get out of here.
April: It's my birthday party.
Jean-Ralphio: It is?
April: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: Sorry, boo.

The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read, which makes them very dangerous.

Leslie

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.