April is the best, but she's 20. When April was born I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. Oh my god I could have killed her.


Zerts are what I call deserts, tray trays are what I call entrees, sandwiches are sammies, sandoozles or Adam Sandlers, air conditioners are cool blaterz with a "z" ... I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies, I call noodles long ass rice, fried chicken is fry fry chicky chick, chicken parmesan is chicky chicky parm parm, chicken caciatore is chicky catch, I call eggs pre-birds or future birds, root beer is super water, tortillas are bean blankets, and I call forks... food rakes!


Oh, Andy. You're fine, but you're simple


Jean-Ralphio: This party sucks. Let's get out of here.
April: It's my birthday party.
Jean-Ralphio: It is?
April: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: Sorry, boo.

You know what's thirsty? You know what's weird? How thirsty I get when I'm weird. When I'm drunk.


I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now.


Yeah we got the moon. What are you going to do without tides, Peru?


Where's all the faces of the presidents?


Leslie: Do you need to get that?
Ann: No, it's just penises.

Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.


Jerry: I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew, is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teet until they have sore, chapped nipples. I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.


Parks & Rec Quotes

Ben: Newspaper headline was "Ice Town costs ice clown his town crown."
Leslie: Yuck.
Ben: They were big into rhymes.

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!