I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now.

Andy

It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teet until they have sore, chapped nipples. I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.

Ron

Jean-Ralphio: This party sucks. Let's get out of here.
April: It's my birthday party.
Jean-Ralphio: It is?
April: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: Sorry, boo.

You know what's thirsty? You know what's weird? How thirsty I get when I'm weird. When I'm drunk.

Leslie

April is the best, but she's 20. When April was born I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. Oh my god I could have killed her.

Andy

"I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you, is that cool?"

April

Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

Ron

"The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy."

Ron

Leslie: If I was sick, could I do this?
Ann: What are you doing?
Leslie: Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?
Ann: No.

I can't kill the possum because it might be innocent. I can't let the possum go because it might be guilty. Can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool, can't spell the word lieutenant. There's a lot of can'ts in my life right now.

Leslie

Are you hitting on Leslie for me?

Ben

Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ron: One.
Ann: That's it? One drink?
Ron: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.

Parks & Rec Quotes

I may not have won, but at least I didn't make any new friendships.

April [about the beauty pageant]

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April