Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.

Ron

The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read, which makes them very dangerous.

Leslie

Where's all the faces of the presidents?

Andy

One time when I was in high school a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time when I was on a date and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and then the guy said he wasn't feeling it, so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for awhile, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers. And then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.

Leslie

Jerry: I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew, is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as
Eagle One. Ann, code name -- Been There, Don That. April is --
Currently Doing That. Donna is -- It Happened Once in a Dream; Chris,
code name -- If I Had To Pick a Dude. Ben is -- Eagle Two.
Ben: Oh thank God.

"I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you, is that cool?"

April

April is the best, but she's 20. When April was born I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. Oh my god I could have killed her.

Andy

"The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy."

Ron

It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Ron [on fishing]

Jean Ralphio: Let's seal this devil's three-way right here, right now. Step one, we buy into this club. Step two, we roll over to the club either in your Mercedes Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce now all the ladies sayin' bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce. What do you say, sexy?
Donna: I'm out.
Tom: Why?
Donna: I hate that guy.

Be proud of yourself. You deserve an award. Not this one, obviously. This one belongs to me. But some other one. Some other lesser award.

Ron

Parks & Rec Quotes

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April